Author Archives: The Ulster Fry


“School Assembly” to replace Stormont in radical shake-up

“School Assembly” to replace Stormont in radical shake-up

As arguments rage over the latest Stormont crisis, the British and Irish governments have stunned political observers by replacing the assembly with a random selection of small children from local primary schools, in the vague hope that they might actually start getting something done. The new “School Assembly” took over the reins of government this


Angry Turkeys get another chance to vote for Christmas

Turkeys across the country are celebrating wildly today as the fantastic opportunity to vote for yet another Christmas presented itself. The election looks likely after the shockingly unsurprising resignation of Deputy Farm Minister Marty McSpreader finally gave the angry birds the chance to get revenge on their masters. “The barn would’ve sweltered you the last few months!” complained Gary


The Ulster Fry guide to New Year’s Resolutions

It’s the beginning of another new year and that means everyone is busy making audacious plans to turn their life around before giving up and going back to doing the same old stuff they always did. The Ulster Fry have compiled a helpful list of tips and pointers to guide you through the next 365 36.5 days… Giving up drink for a


Government places remaining celebrities on endangered species list

The sad passing of George Michael yesterday, combined with the loss of Status Quo’s Rick Parfitt on Christmas Eve, has forced the authorities to issue an immediate ‘cotton wool wrapping’ of all remaining well loved celebrities. “We’re facing a national famous people shortage,” said Major Huge Grant from the Government’s top secret Celebrity Conservation Committee.


Craigavon man who went for tinfoil added to Queen’s New Year honours list

A dad who left home today in a desperate Christmas Day search for turkey foil has been added to the Queen’s New Year honours list. 46 year old Willy Jumper, a half-civil servant from Craigavon, was alerted to the alarming shortage of bacofoil at his home around 10.30am this morning, sparking an heroic two hour ordeal which took him to four neighbour’s houses, five corner shops and


Local woman “might not get redd up for Christmas”

There are growing concerns in religious circles that Antrim housewife Pauline Slooter may be unable to effectively tidy her house before Christmas, leading to fears that the festival may have to be cancelled altogether. The Ulster Fry understands that Mrs Slooter inadvertently failed to fully “redd out her good room” before putting up her decorations,


“OK, no one wants to remember 2016”, Facebook finally admits

Following the launch of a video generator to remind everyone how great 2016 was, Facebook today admitted that most users are avoiding it because they ‘aren’t clean buck mental’. “With hindsight this was a terrible idea” admitted Facebook manager, Sharon Lyke. “Between Brexit and Trump, the deaths of Muhammad Ali, Prince and Bowie, terrorist attacks and loads more of our favourite celebs kicking