The Ulster Fry http://theulsterfry.com The News As It Should Be Mon, 16 Jan 2017 19:03:47 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Stormont balls to be replaced with community halls, confirms Brokenshire http://theulsterfry.com/featured/stormont-balls-be-replaced-with-community-halls-confirms-brokenshire/ Mon, 16 Jan 2017 18:59:05 +0000 http://theulsterfry.com/?p=9131 ...]]> As Stormont collapses yet again, the Secretary of State has come up with an original solution to the ongoing problems- in future, the parties will each hold their own Assembly in community venues of their choice.

His unusual decision follows a weekend which saw First Minister Arlene Foster choose Brookeborough Orange Hall to begin her election campaigning, while Sinn Fein chose the Felon’s Club as the venue to select their West Belfast Candidates.

“It’s pretty obvious that any attempts at forming a reasonable, cross-community assembly will fail,” said a Northern Ireland Office insider. “Instead we have two very cross political parties intent on circling the wagons. Their choice of venues at the weekend should tell us all we need to know.”

“If the plan comes to fruition, the two biggest parties will be given their own share of the budget to administer purely for the benefit of whichever side of the community they claim to represent,” he continued. “They can then carry on with their pet schemes and ensure that society remains as divided as ever.”

The DUP appear to have stolen a march on their rivals with outgoing Minister Paul Givan’s funding boost to ‘his’ community’s halls across the province. “They’ll have plenty of comfortable places to meet now,” says our source, “Sinn Fein will just have to hope they syphoned enough cash into their areas during their period in charge of that budget, or there’ll be some very sore arses on those auld hard plastic chairs.”

The first post-election meeting of the new DUP assembly is booked into the hall of Artnahallion Brown Star in March, around the same time as the Sinn Fein equivalent meets at the Killatout Cultural Forum.

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10 random memes that the internet made for us http://theulsterfry.com/featured/10-random-memes-that-the-internet-made-for-us/ Sat, 14 Jan 2017 13:20:23 +0000 http://theulsterfry.com/?p=9100 ...]]> OK, we’re bored with heating scandals, and a bit hungover, so can’t really be arsed doing a proper post. However we found a handy wee yoke on the interweb that lets you put in a photo into Facebook Messenger, and it turns it into a meme with random text. We’ve had a hoke through our photo archives to see what it’d come up with for us….

If you fancy trying it, there’s instructions at the bottom of the post.

1. A sexy time Willie McCrea.

McCrea


2. A stoned Gerry Adams

Adams


3. A drunk Mrs Brown

Brown


4. Evil Frank Mitchell’s make up tips.

Mitchell


5. Angry Jim Allister

Allister


6. Hot Jackie Fullerton

Jackie


7. A totally rubbered Julian Simmons

Simmons


8. Theresa May overdoes it

May


9. Ian Paisley Jr feels the Trump love

IPJ


10. And finally….

Trump


If you’re bored, and on Facebook messenger, you can try this at home by going to messenger and searching for Dankland…. send them a photo and it does the rest.

 

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“Wheels on the bus” lyrics set to change as free school transport faces axe http://theulsterfry.com/featured/wheels-on-the-bus-lyrics-set-to-change-as-free-school-transport-faces-axe/ Fri, 13 Jan 2017 19:00:53 +0000 http://theulsterfry.com/?p=9097 ...]]> Kids up and down the country may be forced to change the lyrics of one of their most popular “travelling” songs after the Education Authority admitted that it may have to axe free school transport.

“Sadly the wheels on the bus will only go round and round in return for a substantial fee from parents,” explains Pippa Peg, from the Belfast Nursery Rhymes Insititute.

“We’re already working on a couple of new songs,” she continued. “The Wheels on the Bus cost £100 a year” is an early favourite, and we’re also considering changing the famous closing lyric “all day long” to “for a limited time only“. Else we’ll be out a clean fortune’

Meanwhile, a top economist has claimed that the Education Authority’s revelation is the final proof that no one in Stormont has the first clue about how to run a country.

“It’s all about governmental priorities,” says Professor Milton Steriliser, from Larne School of Economics. “Basically what we’re being told is that we can’t spend £75 million a year getting our children to school, because we need that same money to cover three years worth of heating sheds in Fermanagh.”

“Our road network is at breaking point, so we’re gonna add thousands more cars onto the already congested school run every morning,” he continued.

“They’re f**king geniuses up at Stormont really. Never mind ‘joined-up government’, most of thesuns can hardly manage joined-up writing.”

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“School Assembly” to replace Stormont in radical shake-up http://theulsterfry.com/featured/school-assembly-to-replace-stormont-in-radical-shake-up/ Thu, 12 Jan 2017 14:25:30 +0000 http://theulsterfry.com/?p=2333 ...]]> As arguments rage over the latest Stormont crisis, the British and Irish governments have stunned political observers by replacing the assembly with a random selection of small children from local primary schools, in the vague hope that they might actually start getting something done.

The new “School Assembly” took over the reins of government this morning, and immediately set about choosing an executive to take control of the various departments. “We chose Jack to be First Minister,” said 6-year-old Chloe, Chairgirl of the Agriculture Committee, “cos he is the tallest and can run really, really fast in races and he can sit on people.”

Jack’s best friend Michael has been installed as Deputy First Minister. “We’ve made Jessica from Mrs Kelly’s class the Finance one,” said Michael, “she is the best at sums and can count backwards from a hundred. Wayne will do Justice cos he has a cowboy suit with a sheriff’s badge and everything. Sarah is being arts and stuff cos she doesn’t go over the lines when she colours in.”

We understand that other ministerial positions were likewise filled ‘on merit’, although the appointment of the new Communities Minister was decided ‘by a farting competition’ – the same method used in selecting the previous post holder Paul Givan.

As of 6 o’clock this evening, the children had agreed a solution to the health crisis, with 7-year-old Minister Amanda Brown telling reporters that queues at A&E would be slashed because “you’re only allowed to see the nurse if you’re sick.”

The flags and parades issue has also been resolved and investment is being sought to improve transport, with new rail links served by large faced steam engines singled out as a number one priority.

Sadly however there was little progress on the RHI inquiry, with minister’s unable to reach agreement on whether to use Chinese burns or ‘diddy nips’ to get people to talk.

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Norn Iron “texting codes” the Police forgot to tell you about http://theulsterfry.com/featured/norn-iron-texting-codes-the-police-forgot-to-tell-you-about/ Tue, 10 Jan 2017 19:00:20 +0000 http://theulsterfry.com/?p=9047 ...]]> The other day the PSNI released a handy guide for parents, supposedly warning them of the dangerous coded messages their teenage children may be using in text conversations.

We’ve been looking into it, and have discovered a rake of special local codes that the police forgot to mention. You may find them useful….


Family and Friends chat

AYM – Aye Yer Ma

BFF – Big Fat Fecker

BYBL – Bout Ye Big Lad

GABAY – Giz A Buck At Ye

GYGY – G’Wan Ye Girl Ye

MAM – Me Auld Mucker

SIIL – So It Is Like

WAY – What About Ye?


Arguing

DUMD – Don’t You Mean Derry?

FAA – F**k Away Aff

FART – Fancy A Riot Tonight?

IB8YBISIW – I’ll Bate Your Ballix In, So I Will

L4AH- Looking for A Hiding

NIML – No I Mean Londonderry

YDSA – Yer Da Sells Avon

YMYD – Yer Ma’s Yer Da


Wining and Dining

BYOB – Bring Your Own Buckfast

FLAPS – Face Like A Pastie Supper

GAMMY – Got Any MDMA on Ye?

GHB – Get Her Bucked

NOBONF – No Beans On Fry


Culchie Speak

CISSY – Clabbered in Shite, So Y’are

HoSH – How’s She Cuttin’

POT8O6 – Potato Sacks

QUAY – Quare Auld Yoke

TAROTITS – There’s A Rake Of Them in the Shade

TC9T – The Craic’s Ninety

WH8T – Wild Hate Today


Stormont Politics Specials

Thesuns are reserved for the secret communiqués of our MLAs.

BRB – Boiler Repayment Bonus

BTW – Blame Them Wans

COE – Claim On Expenses

CU@SB – See You at the Subsidised Bar

EXPaTCOW – Ex-Prisoner Turned Community Worker

LMAO – Let Marty & Arlene Organise

MLAs – Mostly Lazy Arseholes

MMIPS – Meet me in the pellet shed

NOFMDFM – Any Empty Office

OMG – Offend More Gays

OSC – Occupied Six Counties.

POV – Piss Off Voters

ROFL – Right, Off For lunch!

TOS – The Other Surt

TSB – Those Shinner Bastards

TTMN – Tell the media nahim

 

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Angry Turkeys get another chance to vote for Christmas http://theulsterfry.com/featured/angry-turkeys-get-another-chance-to-vote-for-christmas/ Mon, 09 Jan 2017 18:49:35 +0000 http://theulsterfry.com/?p=9058 ...]]> Turkeys across the country are celebrating wildly today as the fantastic opportunity to vote for yet another Christmas presented itself.

The election looks likely after the shockingly unsurprising resignation of Deputy Farm Minister Marty McSpreader finally gave the angry birds the chance to get revenge on their masters.

“The barn would’ve sweltered you the last few months!” complained Gary Gobble from the NI Turkey Union. “It’s been awful, but what really got us red-faced was when we realised the hoors were sending us the heating bill!”

The scandal has enraged local Turkeys for weeks now, after they first learned that Farm Minister Arlene Fodder had approved a plan to dock their wages for next 20 years to help pay the fat cats at the farm.

“It’s absolutely disgraceful,” says Gobble. “Thank God we’re getting shot of them, for a few weeks anyway.”

However, in a shocking turn of events, it seems that the angry poultry are likely to vote for the same farmers who got them into the bother in the first place.

“We see this kind of behaviour all the time,” revealed BBC Agriculture correspondent Attracta Linkbox.

“The farmers will be out in force these coming weeks, marking ‘their’ Turkeys with Orange and Green tags, corralling them into their barns and sticking up posters warning that if they don’t vote their usual way, then themuns from the next field might take over and they’d be stuffed.”

“Aye, he’s right,” Gobble told us, “We could try a different farmer, maybe even a vegetarian, but better the devil you know, and at least you know where you stand with Christmas.”

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The Ulster Fry “Cut out and Keep” guide to 2017 http://theulsterfry.com/featured/the-ulster-fry-cut-out-and-keep-guide-to-2017/ Fri, 06 Jan 2017 18:59:34 +0000 http://theulsterfry.com/?p=9035 ...]]> You may still be writing 2016 on things, but it’s actually 2017 already. We’ve been scratching our crystal balls to predict THE big events of the year – they’re all here in this handy guide for you to cut out of the internet and stick up with that wee fridge magnet yoke you bought on holidays that time.

January

20th: Trump’s Inauguration: a musical extravaganza sees Mr Trump ushered into office, with performances by right wing musicians like Bruce Springsteen, Bono and H from Steps. Millions watch as Trump meets a line up of citizens representing America’s ethnic groups. He punches each of them in the face before wiping his arse on the constitution.

February

14th: Stormont finally collapses under the weight of the RHI scandal, just minutes before Arlene Foster was due to announce her support for Gay Marriage. Everyone celebrates by getting on with each other briefly when they realise there are no MLAs in charge.

March

17th: The Holylands area is unusually quiet on St Patrick’s Day after the universities cleverly move all their exams to March 18th.

April

1st: President Trump reveals it was all a big publicity stunt for his new reality show, and immediately resigns. He is replaced by Kanye West.

May

11th: Stormont’s elections bring a new coalition government made up of the TUV, Alliance, Greens and People Before Profit. First Minister Jim Allister immediately introduces Gay Marriage in return for his Deputy Eamonn McCann’s support for a plan to tie up all the swings on a Sunday.

June

The curse of 2016 has continued and the last remaining celebrity dies, leaving only Frank Mitchell. Global television output is reduced to a never-ending weather forecast and people trying to guess if Frank’s camera is in Upper or Lower Ballinderry.

July

Nothing happens in July. Nothing ever happens in Northern Ireland in July.

August

24th: It’s the hottest day of the year here with temperatures soaring to 14 degrees. The new Stormont administration sees it’s first crisis as People Before Profit insist on going Taps Aff at a press conference.

September

3rd: An edict from Stormont forces everyone in the country to stand in front of a door to have their photo taken, even if they’re not starting school. It later emerges that the photos will be used by Frank Mitchell for his Weather Watchers spot.

October

31st: Newtownabbey man Buzz Albran becomes the first Northern Irish person in space, after trying to hold the world’s biggest fireworks display in his garden in Rathcoole. Three days later he’s also the first to set foot on the moon, though his arse lands in Australia.

November

23rd: Brexit finally happens. It emerges that the UK will now pay £350 million a week to the EU in return for free movement of labour and access to markets.

December

25th: A Daily Mail campaign to ban Christmas as a “Middle Eastern festival tinged with Germanic influences” finally comes to fruition. Instead of celebrating everyone is forced to work overtime, though in a hangover from the past we all end up slumped on the sofa at 9 o’clock muttering “That’s it over for another year.”

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Workplace violence erupts in row over who had quietest Christmas http://theulsterfry.com/local-news/workplace-violence-erupts-in-row-over-who-had-quietest-christmas/ Tue, 03 Jan 2017 12:44:25 +0000 http://theulsterfry.com/?p=9025 ...]]> Reports are coming in that heated workplace debates over who had the quietest Christmas are turning violent.

“Up and down the country grey faced office workers are trying to out do each other about who had the most boring time off,” says the commander of the PSNI Riot Squad Walter Cannon.

“These things start innocently enough, someone says ‘How was your Christmas?’ and is told ‘Aye, quiet enough,’ but pretty soon someone takes it too far and all hell breaks loose.”

The warning comes after police were called to deal with disturbances at the headquarters of a major local bank. “It was mayhem,” we were told by an eyewitness. “I just happened to mention that it’d been a quiet Christmas, then someone else claimed they hadn’t left the house at all.”

“Next thing, yer big man from the mortgage department leaps in shouting about how his had been the quietest Christmas as he hadn’t even left his living room. Then everyone jumped in!”

An officer at the scene confirmed several that serious back-stabbings had taken place during the altercation, and that the riot squad were still dealing with passive-aggressive remarks being lobbed around the office.

“We are now trying to ID the woman who threw serious dirty looks at her colleagues this morning to start this madness” confirmed officer Neil Norr. “However our photofit artists have had little success as she has about forty faces according to co-workers.”

Meanwhile bomb disposal experts have been called to an accountant office in Lisburn to deal with a suspected boobytrapped photocopier.

One man was taken away for questioning but has vowed to stay silent until January 5th in a final bid to win the quietest Christmas award.

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The Ulster Fry guide to New Year’s Resolutions http://theulsterfry.com/featured/the-ulster-fry-guide-to-new-years-resolutions/ Mon, 02 Jan 2017 19:34:52 +0000 http://theulsterfry.com/?p=9019 ...]]> It’s the beginning of another new year and that means everyone is busy making audacious plans to turn their life around before giving up and going back to doing the same old stuff they always did.

The Ulster Fry have compiled a helpful list of tips and pointers to guide you through the next 365 36.5 days…


  1. Giving up drink for a month is not a sacrifice, it’s your liver calling a time out cos you are a greedy hallion. Stop taking all the credit!
  2. If you are set on doing a ‘Dry’ January, please note that dry white wine, dry cider, dry gin or dry martini are not valid options!
  3. Your first day back at work is an acceptable substitute for January 1st to start resolutions.
  4. Too much junk food leftover? Never worry, next Monday will do grand sure!
  5. Actually going to the gym burns far more calories than just feeling guilty about paying for a membership and not going.
  6. That new hobby you want to take up sounds amazing, but have you seen some of the great new TV shows coming out this year? Are you sure?
  7. Making plans to meet up with your pals more is the arch nemesis of getting home and into your cosy pyjamas. Like how good of friends are you, really?
  8. If you were a dick last year, you’ll still be one this year. Some things are not fixable.
  9. Going down to ‘half a sugar’ in your cuppa is not a proper resolution.  It just makes you a dick. (See #8)
  10. Buying fat-free yoghurts and go-ahead snack bars only counts if you actually ate yoghurts and snack bars in the first place. Otherwise you’re a greedy bastard in denial.
  11. If you knuckle down at work, hit all your deadlines and impress the boss this year, that promotion could be yours. Then again your desk is in the corner and it looks like you are working when you are on Facebook. There’s always next year sure.
  12. That new Fitbit you got for Christmas will come in handy when exercising your Buy, Sell, Swap skills around Easter time. Houl out for at least £80 though, because you’re worth it.
  13. Going for more walks is an excellent/feasible resolution. At least until you realise your big coat makes you look fat and you go back inside, start crying, eating go-ahead biscuits and watching TV.
  14. Binoculars or telescopes are not to be used during any pledges to “see more of your family” this year.
  15. Every time you say “New Year, New Me” someone you love gets a good boot up the hole.

Happy New Year – and best of luck! 

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Fury as vandals change Holywood town sign http://theulsterfry.com/local-news/fury-as-vandals-change-holywood-town-sign/ Mon, 02 Jan 2017 16:05:47 +0000 http://theulsterfry.com/?p=9014 ...]]> People in Holywood are described as “quite cross” today after vandals doctored one of the town’s iconic name signs to read “Holewood”.

The pranksters appear to have been inspired by events in California, after the famous sign on the Hollywood hills was changed to Hollyweed on New Year’s Eve.

Police in the North Down town say that the crime has all the hallmarks of a politically motivated attack.

“It’s clearly a message from our neighbours in Bangor,” we were told by PSNI Sergeant Kostas Coffey. “People here aren’t too happy that they scooped that “Town most up its own hole” award last year, as we’d been working really hard at being up our’s, and those Bangor ones love rubbing it in at every opportunity.”

“We haven’t made any arrests yet, but we reckon it’s the same shadowy group who changed the sign on the Maypole to MyHole back in November.”

Local shopkeeper Tiffany Lamp-Shayde told us that she was distraught when she heard about the attack. “I’m distraught,” she said, “I was just saying to my sister Crystal that the town had really bounced back after missing out on that prize. Then this happens – it’s enough to drive you to Prosecco.”

Retired pensioner Sullivan Upper revealed that he was ready to take the law into his own hands. “They’ve crossed a line here,” he argued, “I’m as far up my own hole as the next man, and I won’t have those plebs saying otherwise. I fully intend to make a citizen’s arrest at some point, should the need arise.”

A spokesman for Bangor denied that they were involved in the attack.

“It was New Year’s Day, FFS,” he told us, “We were all playing golf or down at the yacht club eating artisan cheeses and talking about Range Rovers. It must have been those oiks from Cultra.”

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