Northern Ireland’s two main parties have surprised experts by agreeing to work together to maximise their support in June’s snap General Election. It is understood that Gerry Adams met Arlene Foster for top secret talks at an undisclosed location in Co Fermanagh. Mr Adams later denied being at the meeting although this means that it…
North Kilrea placed on high alert amid fears of Korea mix-up
The ruling council of North Kilrea has raised the region’s security status to ‘Def-Con-Wan hi’ amid fears that US President Donald Trump may be preparing for military action in the area. “We’re taking the threat very seriously ,” the President of the local Sheepdog Society, Jim-Young-Wan told us, “The citizens of the Democratic People’s Republic of North Kilrea will…
Local man complaining about Easter opening hours never gets out anyway
A Dundonald man who intends to spend the weekend complaining about Northern Ireland’s archaic licencing laws on social media rarely leaves the house anyway, it has emerged. “If it wasn’t for these ridiculous laws I could be down the pub playing pool with the lads and eyeing up the talent, doing cool stuff,” the self-employed chancer told…
Robots to take control of Northern Ireland “until politicians get their sh*t together”
With the talks process grinding to a halt once again, presumably to give our hard-working politicians a well earned Easter Break, it has emerged that the British and Irish governments have turned to futuristic technology to fill the void left by our elected representatives. “Robots are more than capable of performing dull, repetitive tasks,” says…
New UUP leader denies breaking child’s arm with one flap of his wing
The newly appointed leader of the Ulster Unionist Party has hit out at rumours that he once broke a child’s arm in a bizarre wing flapping accident. Robin Swann, 45, is alleged to have inadvertently injured a 6-year-old boy whilst being fed bread by children at the lake in Mount Stewart in 1998. “I categorically…
Fury as Newtownstewart removes the word Easter from its name
There was outrage in the sleepy County Tyrone town of Newtownstewart today after it emerged that the National Trust had removed the letters of the word Easter from its road-sign. The wanton act of vandalism was spotted by a passing motorist who missed his turn off after thinking he was somewhere called Nwtownwt, and ended up driving…
Theresa May publishes new book – “Article 50 Shades of Grey”
UK Prime Minister Theresa May launched a new career as an erotic fiction author today with the publication of her first novel “Article 50 Shades of Grey”. Described by her publishers as a “racy romp in the corridors of power”, the novel tells the story of a young woman called Unity Kingdom, as she discovers her ‘Brexuality”, under…
“We can’t be arsed with another election, now sort it out you ballbags,” everyone tells MLAs, in long headline shock
The Northern Ireland political parties have been sent a very clear message this morning after the Ulster Fry was forced to write a really long headline about the talks process. “We’ve only been running for 2 and a half years,” said a spokesman for the funny/unfunny (delete as applicable) website, “and we’ve had 2 Assembly…
Politicians prepare to get back to doing nothing
After spending several days discussing the rights and wrongs of the life of Martin McGuinness, local politicians have agreed to end their ceasefire and return to the important business of failing to reach an agreement on the way forward at Stormont. “It is important that we preserve Martin’s legacy,” said Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams at a…
Buckfast Easter Egg ‘the pinnacle of Western Civilization’
Cultural commentators across the globe have agreed that Western Civilisation can advance no further after an off licence in Lurgan unveiled the Buckfast Easter Egg. “Writers, artists, inventors and scientists can just give up now,” said that BBC culture expert with the unusually shaped head. “The Buckfast Easter Egg has just crowned 10000 years of…