Author Archives: The Ulster Fry.

Game of Thrones tours now Northern Ireland’s biggest employer of beards

Game of Thrones tours now Northern Ireland’s biggest employer of beards

A staggering 112% of beards here are now working in a Game of Thrones related industry, new figures from the Department of Unusual Statistics have revealed. “Prior to Game of Thrones there was huge unemployment in the facial hair community,” says the Department’s spokesbeard Randal Bar-Moustache. “There were limited opportunities on the faces of craft

A Levels “not as hard as they used to be”, claims everyone over the age of 20

With record grades again this year, Northern Ireland’s successful A Level students have spent the day being told how easy their exams were compared to years ago. “I got two As and a C,” said Lisburn teenager Marcus Easy, “When I phoned to tell my da he just shouted ‘Piece of piss’ and hung up.” “Then when I

NI Water begins piped mineral water service for Hillsborough

The residents of Northern Ireland’s poshest town are celebrating in a refined and understated manner today after learning that their town has finally been connected to piped sparkling Evian water. Hillsboroughtonians have been lobbying the authorities for decades, disgruntled that they are forced to flush their toilets with the same water as people who live in

New airline “exclusively for drunk people” to operate out of Belfast

Amid news that an increase in arrests for drunken behaviour by passengers may lead to curbs on the sale of alcohol on flights, a Belfast based airline has launched a service aimed exclusively at plastered travellers. Queasy Jet will operate flights to several popular holiday destinations, including the Canary and Balearic Islands, Greece and Corfu. “Getting snattered at

Belfast launches European Capital of Culture bid with display of traditional rioting

The unofficial launch of the Northern Ireland bid to be the 2023 European Capital of Culture title was marked with a demonstration of formation rioting in Belfast last night. Tourists from around the globe looked on in wonder as masked youths put on the unimpressive display, described by one critic as “taking the art of pointlessness to new

10 Protestant things no Catholic should ever say

Last week’s we gave you a list of Catholic phrases that no self-respecting Protestant would ever use, and promised you an ‘other-ways-round’ version. This is it. “The Mainland”: When referring to England, Scotland and Wales. The only Catholics who refer to The Mainland live on Rathlin, or on a boat. “Fiddlesticks, I’ve forgotten my hat.”: Proper Protestants

American tourists devastated to find ‘Sandy Row’ is not a beach

An American family holidaying in Belfast have been left shocked and confused to find that the famed ‘Sandy Row’ they’d been hearing so much about is not in fact a beach but a historically loyalist residential thoroughfare. “We feel totally deceived,” said Hank Thunder, the family’s patriarch, “People kept telling me that this was where

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