A staggering 112% of beards here are now working in a Game of Thrones related industry, new figures from the Department of Unusual Statistics have revealed. “Prior to Game of Thrones there was huge unemployment in the facial hair community,” says the Department’s spokesbeard Randal Bar-Moustache. “There were limited opportunities on the faces of craft…
A Levels “not as hard as they used to be”, claims everyone over the age of 20
With record grades again this year, Northern Ireland’s successful A Level students have spent the day being told how easy their exams were compared to years ago. “I got two As and a C,” said Lisburn teenager Marcus Easy, “When I phoned to tell my da he just shouted ‘Piece of piss’ and hung up.” “Then when I…
Government proposes new pallet wall along border
The UK government is considering the construction of a huge wall of pallets along the Northern Ireland border as part of its Brexit strategy, The Ulster Fry has learned. As our slightly poor artist’s impression shows, the structure will be up to 30 pallets high in places, with small gaps to allow people to look…
NI Water begins piped mineral water service for Hillsborough
The residents of Northern Ireland’s poshest town are celebrating in a refined and understated manner today after learning that their town has finally been connected to piped sparkling Evian water. Hillsboroughtonians have been lobbying the authorities for decades, disgruntled that they are forced to flush their toilets with the same water as people who live in…
New airline “exclusively for drunk people” to operate out of Belfast
Amid news that an increase in arrests for drunken behaviour by passengers may lead to curbs on the sale of alcohol on flights, a Belfast based airline has launched a service aimed exclusively at plastered travellers. Queasy Jet will operate flights to several popular holiday destinations, including the Canary and Balearic Islands, Greece and Corfu. “Getting snattered at…
Derry people vote Derry accent sexiest in Ireland
The Derry accent is the sexiest in Ireland, according to a new poll successfully rigged by people from Derry. It seems that the poll, conducted by the website lovin.ie, initially saw a strong showing for the Dublin, Donegal and Fermanagh accents, but that a sudden rush of votes from the North West saw the Maiden…
Belfast launches European Capital of Culture bid with display of traditional rioting
The unofficial launch of the Northern Ireland bid to be the 2023 European Capital of Culture title was marked with a demonstration of formation rioting in Belfast last night. Tourists from around the globe looked on in wonder as masked youths put on the unimpressive display, described by one critic as “taking the art of pointlessness to new…
Woman furious as Larne man reveals housework scam
38-year-old Larne man Dixon Parks has spent the last half hour of his day off running about the house like an eejit, setting elaborate decoys to let his wife think he’s done the housework. The civil servant, currently on a day’s flexi-leave, told us “Every time I get a day off to myself she leaves me…
10 Protestant things no Catholic should ever say
Last week’s we gave you a list of Catholic phrases that no self-respecting Protestant would ever use, and promised you an ‘other-ways-round’ version. This is it. “The Mainland”: When referring to England, Scotland and Wales. The only Catholics who refer to The Mainland live on Rathlin, or on a boat. “Fiddlesticks, I’ve forgotten my hat.”: Proper Protestants…
American tourists devastated to find ‘Sandy Row’ is not a beach
An American family holidaying in Belfast have been left shocked and confused to find that the famed ‘Sandy Row’ they’d been hearing so much about is not in fact a beach but a historically loyalist residential thoroughfare. “We feel totally deceived,” said Hank Thunder, the family’s patriarch, “People kept telling me that this was where…