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Ulster Unionists promise to bring back 1970s porn

UUP leader Mike Nesbitt has waded into the growing debate about the widespread availability of internet pornography by announcing that, if elected to Westminster, his party will lobby for the return of 1970s style filth.

“In the 21st Century the average internet user is only one or two clicks away from some outrageous acts of dirtiness,” explained the Strangford MLA. “Teenage boys are, to be frank, spoiled rotten by the levels of filth and depravity out there. Only yesterday I was searching Google, looking for golf images, and got more than I bargained for.”

“Believe me, it’s best to have your search filter set to strict, if you’re going to look up pictures of the best 18 holes in Ireland.”

Mr Nesbitt went on to outline far reaching proposals that, if implemented, would change the face of the porn industry forever. “We need to go back to good old fashioned dirty values,” he said. “When me and Basil McCrea were looking for pictures of diddies back in the 70s, we had to rely on what we found in hedges, dumped by lorry drivers. Even then, if you found some, they’d be soaked through, covered in leaves, and have staples over the best bits.”

“If elected, we will strive to ensure that teenage boys will be forced to scour the country’s roadsides for discarded laptops, linked only to ancient copies of Razzle via a dial-up connection. They’ll soon learn patience as they wait 10 minutes for a grainy image of a 48 year old housewife with more body hair than Brian Blessed, especially when the only alternative is the lingerie section of the 1975 Littlewoods catalogue.”

It is understood that Sinn Fein are opposed to the proposal, but when we approached Gerry Adams for his reaction he was unavailable. “He’s out on his trampoline,” we were told by a heavily moustached security man, “doing his weekly live feed for Pornhub.”

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