How culchie are you?

Take the test and find out!

With the Balmoral Show approaching we asked Ulster Bank to finance a think-tank of the world's greatest minds to develop an algorithm that can tell people how culchie they are. They were only too happy to work with us on this essential experiment. However the great minds hadn't a baldiest what a 'culchie' was, so we took the dough and did it ourselves. Answer the questions to get your 'culchie score', then get yourself off to Balmoral Show later this month.

Take the test and find out!

Question 1 of 17.

Which of these is the highest number?

1. Clatter
2. Rake
3. Lock
4. I have no idea what you’re talking about
Question 2 of 17.

If she’s not red, where do you keep her?

1. The bed
2. The field
3. The shade
4. Sorry, if she’s not blue she won’t do
Question 3 of 17.

You are heading out for the night, what do you stick on your feet?

Brown Brogues
Plimsolls with no socks
A pair of heels you can hardly walk in
A wee pair of sandals
Question 4 of 17.

What is Uncle Hugo’s favourite food?

1. Sausage Rolls
2. Cream Buns
3. Wee Buns
4. Who is Uncle Hugo?
Question 5 of 17.

What was your first car?

1. A small hatchback
2. A Massey 123
3. A metrobus
4. A Range Rover Discovery
Question 6 of 17.

What is your ultimate holiday destination?

1. The Maldives
2. Benidorm
3. Plumbridge on a Mart day
4. Portrush
Question 7 of 17.

What was your favourite toy as a child?

1. Lego
2. My butler
3. Action Man or Barbie (or both!)
4. An old biscuit tin full of farm animals
Question 8 of 17.

What do you like to do on a Sunday afternoon?

Enjoy a delightful roast Sunday dinner with friends
Drive about 40 miles to get a poke
Go to a slightly depressing shopping centre
Move livestock from one field into another
Drive two counties over to kick the tyres on a car
Take the family to the arsehole of nowhere
Lie around in your underpants with a hangover
Attend or volunteer at a well-meaning community event
Question 9 of 17.

What was your first pet?

1. A pony
2. A cat or dog
3. A flock of black faced yos
4. A goldfish or hamster
Question 10 of 17.

What’s Nathan Carter’s favourite biscuit?

Bourbon Cream
Wagon Wheel
Question 11 of 17.

You’re having a family party, do you:

1. Book a function room in a local hotel
2. All squeeze in to the the kitchen of your house.
3. Put up a marquee on the lawn and book a string quartet
4. Throw a load of bales round the barn and get your banjo out
Question 12 of 17.

You notice a bad smell while driving. Do you:

1. Wind the window up and complain
2. Ask who did it?
3. Wind the window down and say, “that’s the real smell of the country”
4. Pull over, get into the nearest field and roll around so you can bring the smell home with you.
Question 13 of 17.

You find a grand length of blue pipe in the shade, do you:

1. Take it to the nearest civic amenity dump site for recycling
2. Keep it in case you need to fix the outside tap next winter
3. Leave it at your backside again
4. Keep it til next time you’ve to bring the cattle in
Question 14 of 17.

Red sky at night:

1. Shepherd’s Delight
2. Shepherd's Warning
3. Shepherd’s Pie
4. Did someone leave the immersion on?
Question 15 of 17.

The pub is closing and you need to get home, do you?

1. Phone a friend to pick you up.
2. Ask your driver to collect you
3. Take an Uber
4. Phone a fella from the next village over who isn’t really a taxi but will get you home if you slip him a few bob and swear you’re his mate if the police stop you
Question 16 of 17.

Do you know what the Balmoral Show is?

1. Aye, it's kinda like Glastonbury for culchies, right?
2. Yes, I read about in the business section whilst having afternoon tea.
3. Sur, I memorised the dates when I bought me tickets. (15th to 18th May)
4. Isn't Balmoral a big castle in Scotland?
Question 17 of 17.

And finally... which of these dishes most takes your fancy?

Anything in a bap
A filled soda
Anything with champ
Asparagus tips
Vegetarian Lasagne
Steak & Chips
Chinese Takeaway
A turf sandwich

Next question 1 of 17

All 17 questions completed!

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