A Comber man has been airlifted to safety after spending several days stuck in the perpetual traffic jam that is usually called the Newtownards Road. It is understood that 42-year-old Billy Hackamore left his home around 4am on Thursday morning “hoping to beat the traffic” but became stranded in the roadworks at the Knock traffic lights. “I…
Local News
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World news
North Korea launches ‘first missile back at school day’
North Korean supremo Kim Jong-un has joined in with National Take a Photo of Your Child at the Front Door Day by posting photos of his favourite missiles standing outside their launch sites. In an exclusive interview with The Ulster Fry, the normally secretive leader explained that he just wanted to show a softer side to…
Business
Cancelled Ryanair flights to be flown by layabout MLAs
With hundreds of Ryanair flights facing cancellation over unused vacation time, Secretary of State James Brokenshire has dramatically ordered work-shy MLAs to start earning their wages and take to the skies. “It’s an ideal solution” he told a press conference earlier. “Much like pilots, MLAs get paid for sitting on their holes all day. As they’ve been such doing an excellent…
Entertainment
Culture Night “mainly people reading Japanese poetry while dressed as badgers” admit organisers
Culture Night has returned to Belfast this evening, bringing thousands of people in flowery skirts, baggy jumpers and skinny jeans onto the streets. Our reporter has been out and about to see what’s been happening at the event many arts experts describe as “the middle class version of the Twelfth.” “It’s a wonderful experience,” said Ballyhackamore…
Sport
Footballers to replace MLAs in transfer deadline day twist
The stalemate in Northern Irish politics could sensationally be broken by midnight tonight, after an audacious plan emerged to recruit new MLAs on footballs transfer market. “Arlene and Michelle have been disastrous for us upfront.” revealed Stormont spokesman, George Worst. “Despite constantly being on the attack they still haven’t produced enough balls to strike up…
Politics
“Paramilitary retirement home” proposed for former Maze Prison site
The news that the Red Hand Commando group has asked to be legalised so that it can become an ‘Old Comrades Association’ has led to calls for a retirement home specifically for paramilitaries. “Lots of these guys are getting on in years,” says the brains behind the scheme, Sam Tex, “Our facility will cater for all…
Lifestyle
Nine amazing facts about Derry
It has the more names than anywhere else in the universe Derry, Londonderry, Legenderry, Doire, The Maiden City, Stroke City, The Walled City and more. Even people who live there don’t know what call it without starting an argument. A whopping 92% of divorces in the city start over disagreements about where they live. Every sentence ends with…