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    Local News

    Police promise crackdown on illegal culchie “jives”

    The PSNI has set up a special unit to deal with an upsurge in huge illegal dance events in rural areas across Northern Ireland, The Ulster Fry has learned. The Division Against Non-legal Culchie Events (known as the D.A.N.C.E squad) was established after 23 country music revellers were taken to hospital with 1st degree foot blisters and dizziness…

    World news

    “The DUP ate my hamster”, claims family man

    The DUP’s image in the UK was further tarnished today, after party leader Arlene Foster was accused of eating a family’s pet hamster amid ongoing talks with the Conservative Party. “She landed to our house the other day slabbering that she was ‘top dog now’ and demanding that us ‘peasants’ make her tea and biscuits!” alleged 38 year old Peterborough…

    Business

    Innovative Belfast barber shop to only offer haircuts

    The world of male grooming was turned on it’s head today, as one Belfast barber shop unveiled an audacious plan to simply cut men’s hair without trying to pretend they are prize fighters, 1920’s dockers, lumberjacks or vikings. Nick’s Barbers on Queen Street shocked business experts by insisting that they won’t be selling craft beer at the…

    Entertainment

    Oasis brothers Liam & Noel set for Short Strand showdown

    Feuding Oasis brothers Liam and Noel Gallagher are so determined to continue their long-running disagreement that they have moved to Belfast and joined different sides of the political divide, the Ulster Fry has learned. “Noel has just bought a house in the Shankill Estate” revealed estate agent, Norton Pinprick “He’s also applied to join the Orange Order and pledged up…

    Sport

    McGregor to face May after promotional mix-up

    Mixed Martial Underpants fighter Conor McGregor is to accidentally fight UK Prime Minister Theresa May as a result of a printing error in the contract. The Ulster Fry understands that the agreement that Mr McGregor would “fight Mayweather, subject to a permit” was mis-typed as stating that he’d “fight May, weather permitting”. As a result…

    Politics

    London Hipster “hated the DUP before it was cool”

    A Shoreditch hipster has claimed to be the first person in the country to think that the DUP are a bunch of arseholes, it has emerged. 25-year-old Peckham Market told us that he’d googled the DUP “ages ago”. “Yeah like, I’d been doing some research about the election on Saturday – in this really hip cafe…

    Lifestyle

    The Ulster Fry guide to driving like a hallion

    Driving in Northern Ireland is a whole handlin’. Apart from learning all that stuff in the Highway Code, there’s a heap of unwritten rules to follow. We’ve compiled a handy list so you know the craic! 1:  Only overtake other cars on blind bends NI folk are too busy to wait for those ‘over-taking lanes’ and ‘clear stretches of road’ you hear…

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