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    Tensions rise in East Belfast after man erects two flags.

    There is growing concern among community representatives in East Belfast after a local man added a second flag to his home, and immediately declared himself “100% more loyal” than his single flagged neighbour. The incident, which occurred in Aughrim Street, launched a run of tit-for-tat flag related activities, which the PSNI fear may spiral out of control. Aughrim St…

    World news

    “The DUP ate my hamster”, claims family man

    The DUP’s image in the UK was further tarnished today, after party leader Arlene Foster was accused of eating a family’s pet hamster amid ongoing talks with the Conservative Party. “She landed to our house the other day slabbering that she was ‘top dog now’ and demanding that us ‘peasants’ make her tea and biscuits!” alleged 38 year old Peterborough…

    Business

    Co Tyrone to get Ceefax ‘by 2022’ as part of DUP/Tory technology deal

    The technology sector West of the Bann is set to get a major boost as part of the negotiations between the DUP and the Conservative Party in London, which will see £150 million paid out to provide ultra-fast broadband across NI. “Or maybe that should be ‘Ulster-Fast’,” admitted one of the DUP team. “We’re hoping…

    Entertainment

    Ancient Norn Iron tapestry revealed by historians

    Following news that Game of Thrones now has its own Bayeux style tapestry in the Ulster Museum, prominent historians have revealed that they already had a very similar artefact in storage. Dating from the 12th Century, The Buck-you Tapestry tells the story of life in Northern Ireland in medieval times. As these scenes show, nothing much has changed. Folk…

    Sport

    Local football fans torn between love for both Linfield and Celtic

    Thousands of football fans across Northern Ireland find themselves in a severe quandary today as their two favourite sides prepare to meet in a Champions League qualifying match. “There’s a real cross-over in the fan-base of both clubs,” we were told by Scottish football pundit Jocky Fullerton. “It’s true you get the odd Linfield fan who…

    Politics

    OJ Simpson lined up as Justice Minister if Assembly ever gets off its hole

    Controversial, but innocent, former US sportsman OJ Simpson has been sensationally lined up for the Justice Minister’s role at Stormont when he is released from prison. It is understood that Sinn Fein’s Northern Commander Michelle O’Neill originally proposed the actor’s name, claiming that he had all the experience needed for the job. “Mr Simpson is…

    Lifestyle

    11 things every Northern Irish person does on a “farin halliday”

    Farin hallidays. Everyone loves them, but we all end up doing the same old shite. Recognise any of this? Airport beers: The best beers ever. It doesn’t matter what time it is, you’re on your hallidays so start as you mean to go on. Forget stuff/get overcharged for replacement “43 Euro for sun-cream?” “Si Senor,…

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