Local News

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Lisburn City Council votes to ban Monster Munch in schools

Councillors in Lisburn and Castlereagh have sensationally voted to support a ban on the sale of the popular corn based snack Monster Munch in schools across the district. Downshire East DUP representative Carson Robinson had proposed the controversial motion, arguing that the crisps are “symbolic of either evolution or Satanism, probably both.” “The name of

World news

TerrorTV

Hacking Smart TVs “completely pointless in Northern Ireland” admits CIA

Attempts by the US Central Intelligence Agency to monitor fundamentalist groups in Northern Ireland by hacking so-called ‘Smart’ devices such as TVs and Phones have failed miserably, security sources have revealed. “Basically this involves accessing the device’s microphone or camera,” says top US spymaster Felix Lighter, “but to be honest when we tried it on you

Business

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Buckfast Easter Egg ‘the pinnacle of Western Civilization’

Cultural commentators across the globe have agreed that Western Civilisation can advance no further after an off licence in Lurgan unveiled the Buckfast Easter Egg. “Writers, artists, inventors and scientists can just give up now,” said that BBC culture expert with the unusually shaped head. “The Buckfast Easter Egg has just crowned 10000 years of

Entertainment

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Cash strapped NI celebs working second jobs to make ends meet

Many local celebrities have been forced to take part-time jobs to finance their lavish lifestyles, the Ulster Fry has learned. “With Nolan and Mitchell’s ridiculous wage demands, the rest of us are barely scraping by!” moaned TV presenter Marc Mallet as he picked us up in an Uber with an uncanny resemblance to a UTV news van. The news was confirmed by

Sport

spoty

BBC reveals ‘All England’ Sports Personality of the Year plans

In the light of the controversial decision to omit prominent Northern Irish sports people like Carl Frampton, Jonathan Rea, Bethany Firth and Jackie Fullerton from the Sports Personality shortlist this year, BBC Executives have confirmed that in future the award will be renamed the All-England Personality of the Year. “There’s no point in beating about

Politics

Stormont

Politicians prepare to get back to doing nothing

After spending several days discussing the rights and wrongs of the life of Martin McGuinness, local politicians have agreed to end their ceasefire and return to the important business of failing to reach an agreement on the way forward at Stormont. “It is important that we preserve Martin’s legacy,” said Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams at a

Lifestyle

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People forced to visit their mum following Facebook login issue

Chaos unfolded across the globe today after a Facebook glitch left millions of users unable to login, forcing them to actually visit the person who once gave birth to them. “I couldn’t get signed in to my app all day!” moaned Ted Melter from Bangor. “So I had to actually visit my Ma and tell her I loved her. Like in person, to her actual face… instead of telling hundreds of

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