With record grades again this year, Northern Ireland’s successful A Level students have spent the day being told how easy their exams were compared to years ago. “I got two As and a C,” said Lisburn teenager Marcus Easy, “When I phoned to tell my da he just shouted ‘Piece of piss’ and hung up.” “Then when I…
Local News
NI Water begins piped mineral water service for Hillsborough
Apprentice Boys finally set to become Fully Qualified Tradesmen
Belfast launches European Capital of Culture bid with display of traditional rioting
American tourists devastated to find ‘Sandy Row’ is not a beach
Average person now spends 5 years of their life putting cars through MOT
Tensions rise in East Belfast after man erects two flags.
World news
World to get “glimpse of life in Tyrone” during solar eclipse, reveals NASA
As the western world prepares for its first total solar eclipse in almost a century, scientists have revealed that the spectacle will offer a ‘once in a lifetime opportunity’ for people across the globe to experience what life is like in County Tyrone. “For the first time in the modern era people in the US…
Business
Game of Thrones tours now Northern Ireland’s biggest employer of beards
A staggering 112% of beards here are now working in a Game of Thrones related industry, new figures from the Department of Unusual Statistics have revealed. “Prior to Game of Thrones there was huge unemployment in the facial hair community,” says the Department’s spokesbeard Randal Bar-Moustache. “There were limited opportunities on the faces of craft…
Entertainment
Incredible discoveries as Antiques Roadshow comes to Stormont
Producers of the Antiques Roadshow, due to arrive in the Stormont Estate on Saturday, have requested an extra day of filming time after their researchers discovered 90 unusual antiques in the basement of Parliament Buildings. The hit BBC show, presented by former newsreader Fiona Bruce, appraises antiques brought in by local people and other artefacts…
Sport
Local football fans torn between love for both Linfield and Celtic
Thousands of football fans across Northern Ireland find themselves in a severe quandary today as their two favourite sides prepare to meet in a Champions League qualifying match. “There’s a real cross-over in the fan-base of both clubs,” we were told by Scottish football pundit Jocky Fullerton. “It’s true you get the odd Linfield fan who…
Politics
OJ Simpson lined up as Justice Minister if Assembly ever gets off its hole
Controversial, but innocent, former US sportsman OJ Simpson has been sensationally lined up for the Justice Minister’s role at Stormont when he is released from prison. It is understood that Sinn Fein’s Northern Commander Michelle O’Neill originally proposed the actor’s name, claiming that he had all the experience needed for the job. “Mr Simpson is…
Lifestyle
Derry people vote Derry accent sexiest in Ireland
The Derry accent is the sexiest in Ireland, according to a new poll successfully rigged by people from Derry. It seems that the poll, conducted by the website lovin.ie, initially saw a strong showing for the Dublin, Donegal and Fermanagh accents, but that a sudden rush of votes from the North West saw the Maiden…