Local News

Ponderosa

Fury as slightly higher bar replaces Ponderosa as Ireland’s highest pub

There was sporadic violence on the Glenshane Pass today after locals awoke to find that the famous Ponderosa Bar had been stripped of its ‘Highest Pub in Ireland’ title by a new establishment built a few hundred yards further up the hillside. It is understood that the new pub, called The High Chaparral, was erected

World news

carwashwednesday

Armagh church outshines Galway drive-thru with ‘Car wAsh Wednesday’

Following the announcement of a drive-thru Ash Wednesday at a church in Galway, an Armagh chapel are going one better with a scheme that will additionally wash and shine your car for charity. ‘Car wAsh Wednesday’ is the brainchild of Father Paul Pitt from St Patricks in Armagh, who says he was planning his event before the drive-thru

Business

xmasshopper

Celebrations everywhere as Belfast man completes trolley-free Christmas shop

Northern Ireland chalked up another historic first today after local man, Vince Pie, successfully did his entire Christmas shop in Tesco, Newtonbreda without a trolley or basket. “Thon things are for weemin!” he scowled when we approached him for an exclusive interview. “Ye don’t see Bear Grylls taking a basket into the woods when he’s hungry

Entertainment

hugocarwash

Cash strapped NI celebs working second jobs to make ends meet

Many local celebrities have been forced to take part-time jobs to finance their lavish lifestyles, the Ulster Fry has learned. “With Nolan and Mitchell’s ridiculous wage demands, the rest of us are barely scraping by!” moaned TV presenter Marc Mallet as he picked us up in an Uber with an uncanny resemblance to a UTV news van. The news was confirmed by

Sport

spoty

BBC reveals ‘All England’ Sports Personality of the Year plans

In the light of the controversial decision to omit prominent Northern Irish sports people like Carl Frampton, Jonathan Rea, Bethany Firth and Jackie Fullerton from the Sports Personality shortlist this year, BBC Executives have confirmed that in future the award will be renamed the All-England Personality of the Year. “There’s no point in beating about

Politics

Adams-DUP

Gerry Adams gets rousing reception as he launches DUP election manifesto

Gerry Adams was the surprise guest at today’s DUP election manifesto launch, and was greeted warmly by the party faithful. “Thank God you’re here,” North Belfast MP Nigel Dodds was heard to whisper to the Sinn Fein President. “We thought were on a hiding to nothing this election, what with all that RHI stuff floating about. Then it

Lifestyle

Bottles

“Party at our place,” Northern Ireland tells everyone in UK

Northern Ireland is being described as “an even bigger bombsite than usual” after inadvertently inviting the rest of the home nations to a massive house party. The crisis follows the release of a report showing that people here spend the highest amount per head on alcoholic beverages, prompting Northern Ireland to post “Yeooooooo lads, party

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