Local News

bins

Massive protests in Belfast as bin levels reach crisis point

The people of Belfast have taken to the streets in protest at what has been described as an “unprecedented shortage” of bins. It is understood that crowds began to gather around City Hall after council officials revealed that their new policy of banning food waste from black bins had led to a “surge in demand”

World news

Philip-Caravan

Prince Philip retires to spend more time at his caravan in Ballywalter

Prince Philip has decided to jack in travelling around the world with the Queen so that he can get more value out of his static caravan on the Ards Peninsula, The Ulster Fry can exclusively reveal. “Me and Liz bought it a few years ago,” Mr Philip told us. “We got it second hand on Gumtree

Business

Barber

Innovative Belfast barber shop to only offer haircuts

The world of male grooming was turned on it’s head today, as one Belfast barber shop unveiled an audacious plan to simply cut men’s hair without trying to pretend they are prize fighters, 1920’s dockers, lumberjacks or vikings. Nick’s Barbers on Queen Street shocked business experts by insisting that they won’t be selling craft beer at the

Entertainment

dieselcop

EXCLUSIVE: Fast & Furious 9 to be filmed in Northern Ireland

With their eighth globetrotting instalment currently breaking box office records, Vin Diesel has confirmed that the next Fast & Furious movie will be shot in Northern Ireland. “Toretto’s crew is going back-to-basics!” revealed Diesel. “Their cash is running out, so they’ll be relying on their wits, instincts and ability to spot a clinker at the mid-Ulster auctions to get back on the road!” His co-star Michelle Rodriguez

Sport

biker

DUP outraged as NI is overrun by leather-clad men riding up yer hole

There was anger amongst local homophobes today, as thousands of men dressed in skin-tight leather outfits descended upon Portrush to shove motorised contraptions between their arse cheeks and chase each other around the town. “We cannot stand idly by whilst our beautiful north coast is overrun by leather-clad men drinking beer and admiring each other helmets!” said DUP spokesman, Abraham Sammich. “It’s an absolute

Politics

foxes

Tories to introduce hunting pensioners with dogs

A mix up at Conservative Party Headquarters may have inadvertently stumbled upon a solution to the long term care of the elderly, a right wing think tank has claimed. The error happened after two pages of the manifesto got stuck together, meaning that a promise to “allow posh folk in red coats to pursue vermin across

Lifestyle

phonemyphone

“Will you phone my phone?” voted NI’s most popular relationship question

A new report by the Ballymoney Institute of Anthropology has revealed that asking your partner to ‘phone my phone’ is the most common form of inter-couple communication in modern-day Northern Ireland. “About 90% of our daily interaction revolves around me using my mobile to find hers” admitted weary Craigavon husband, Hugh Awey. “It’s mental, because I don’t bother my hole calling her when I’m

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