Controversial, but innocent, former US sportsman OJ Simpson has been sensationally lined up for the Justice Minister’s role at Stormont when he is released from prison. It is understood that Sinn Fein’s Northern Commander Michelle O’Neill originally proposed the actor’s name, claiming that he had all the experience needed for the job. “Mr Simpson is…
10% of Civil Servants will have to phone in sick using Irish, claim Language Act opponents
Sinn Fein have rubbished claims that 10% of new entrants to the Civil Service will have to phone in sick in Irish if their proposed Language Act becomes law. “This is ridiculous,” said Sinn Fein President Gerry Adams. “Even fluent speakers like me can’t say diarrhoea in Irish, and I am famous for my ability to talk shite. Obviously…
Talks drag on to allow parties to spend more time in new Stormont hot tub
The Stormont talks are likely to last at least another 24 hours after it emerged that Theresa May had bought the DUP a state of the art hot-tub as part of their Westminster deal. The Ulster Fry understands that the facility has been installed in a new beer garden to the rear of Parliament Buildings, alongside a bouncy…
London Hipster “hated the DUP before it was cool”
A Shoreditch hipster has claimed to be the first person in the country to think that the DUP are a bunch of arseholes, it has emerged. 25-year-old Peckham Market told us that he’d googled the DUP “ages ago”. “Yeah like, I’d been doing some research about the election on Saturday – in this really hip cafe…
“Gosh, the DUP seem horrible!”, gasp people who voted for poverty, corruption & NHS cuts
Tory supporters across the UK are ‘extremely concerned’ it has emerged, after Googling the Democratic Unionist Party and discovering they are even more hateful than the people they voted for. “I’m absolutely disgusted.”revealed 31 year old Tory fan, Branston Pickle. “I mean, blocking a woman’s right to have an abortion is terrible. It’s only fair you allow children to be actually born before…
EXCLUSIVE: The DUP wishlist in full…
With the DUP holding the balance of power in Westminster, Arlene Foster is expected to extract a high price for backing Theresa May. The Ulster Fry has gained EXCLUSIVE* access to a leaked letter from the DUP leader, which reveals all the party’s key demands… Dear Theresa, Many thanks for your kind invite to be part…
Fermanagh South Tyrone sets new election record with 187% turnout
Political pundits have been left speechless after the turnout in the Fermanagh South Tyrone constituency reached a staggering 186.8%, a full three hours before polling actually closes. “We’ve never seen anything like it,” said one expert. “Who says people aren’t interested in politics? These numbers don’t lie.” Our Fermanagh correspondent Liz Bellaw interviewed several voters…
‘Sectarian head-counting’ to be added to NI schools curriculum
As Northern Ireland Primary Schools prepare to close for yet another election, The Education Authority has confirmed that it intends to rejig the curriculum to reflect the complex nature of democracy here. “This is the 457th election we’ve had in the last 10 years,” explains education expert, Grover Head-Projector. “We can’t keep losing school days…
Northern Ireland set to elect it’s first ‘openly sectarian’ MP
Following the news that the Republic has an openly gay Taoiseach, it has emerged that voters in Northern Ireland are on the verge of electing their first MP to openly admit to that he’s a bigoted bastard. Whilst there is a long history of electing sectarian hurbags in the Province, such MPs generally try and…
Tories to introduce hunting pensioners with dogs
A mix up at Conservative Party Headquarters may have inadvertently stumbled upon a solution to the long term care of the elderly, a right wing think tank has claimed. The error happened after two pages of the manifesto got stuck together, meaning that a promise to “allow posh folk in red coats to pursue vermin across…