Politics articles


Northern Ireland schools to be funded through supermarket loyalty cards

Northern Ireland schools to be funded through supermarket loyalty cards

With the Stormont talks still in deadlock, the Conservative government has unveiled a radical new funding programme for the education sector in Northern Ireland. “It’s perfectly simple,” Secretary of State James Brokenshite told the House of Commons. “Instead of giving principals something extravagant like an adequate amount of money to run a school, we’re going to issue


DUP and Sinn Fein agree shock General Election pact

Northern Ireland’s two main parties have surprised experts by agreeing to work together to maximise their support in June’s snap General Election. It is understood that Gerry Adams met Arlene Foster for top secret talks at an undisclosed location in Co Fermanagh. Mr Adams later denied being at the meeting although this means that it


Robots to take control of Northern Ireland “until politicians get their sh*t together”

With the talks process grinding to a halt once again, presumably to give our hard-working politicians a well earned Easter Break, it has emerged that the British and Irish governments have turned to futuristic technology to fill the void left by our elected representatives. “Robots are more than capable of performing dull, repetitive tasks,” says


Cheap fag runs “top priority” in Brexit negotiations, confirms May

Prime Minister Theresa May today reassured UK travellers that their ability to sneakily bring home umpteen cartons of cheap fags that taste like your arsehole will be her top priority during Brexit negotiations. “We may have voted to leave the EU but we’re not giving up our way of life!” she told press at Downing Street this morning. “A carton of Spanish Lambert’s


“We can’t be arsed with another election, now sort it out you ballbags,” everyone tells MLAs, in long headline shock

The Northern Ireland political parties have been sent a very clear message this morning after the Ulster Fry was forced to write a really long headline about the talks process. “We’ve only been running for 2 and a half years,” said a spokesman for the funny/unfunny (delete as applicable) website, “and we’ve had 2 Assembly


Politicians prepare to get back to doing nothing

After spending several days discussing the rights and wrongs of the life of Martin McGuinness, local politicians have agreed to end their ceasefire and return to the important business of failing to reach an agreement on the way forward at Stormont. “It is important that we preserve Martin’s legacy,” said Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams at a