Politics articles

OJ Simpson lined up as Justice Minister if Assembly ever gets off its hole

OJ Simpson lined up as Justice Minister if Assembly ever gets off its hole

Controversial, but innocent, former US sportsman OJ Simpson has been sensationally lined up for the Justice Minister’s role at Stormont when he is released from prison. It is understood that Sinn Fein’s Northern Commander Michelle O’Neill originally proposed the actor’s name, claiming that he had all the experience needed for the job. “Mr Simpson is

10% of Civil Servants will have to phone in sick using Irish, claim Language Act opponents

Sinn Fein have rubbished claims that 10% of new entrants to the Civil Service will have to phone in sick in Irish if their proposed Language Act becomes law. “This is ridiculous,” said Sinn Fein President Gerry Adams. “Even fluent speakers like me can’t say diarrhoea in Irish, and I am famous for my ability to talk shite. Obviously

Talks drag on to allow parties to spend more time in new Stormont hot tub

The Stormont talks are likely to last at least another 24 hours after it emerged that Theresa May had bought the DUP a state of the art hot-tub as part of their Westminster deal. The Ulster Fry understands that the facility has been installed in a new beer garden to the rear of Parliament Buildings, alongside a bouncy

“Gosh, the DUP seem horrible!”, gasp people who voted for poverty, corruption & NHS cuts

Tory supporters across the UK are ‘extremely concerned’ it has emerged, after Googling the Democratic Unionist Party and discovering they are even more hateful than the people they voted for. “I’m absolutely disgusted.”revealed 31 year old Tory fan, Branston Pickle. “I mean, blocking a woman’s right to have an abortion is terrible. It’s only fair you allow children to be actually born before

Fermanagh South Tyrone sets new election record with 187% turnout

Political pundits have been left speechless after the turnout in the Fermanagh South Tyrone constituency reached a staggering 186.8%, a full three hours before polling actually closes. “We’ve never seen anything like it,” said one expert. “Who says people aren’t interested in politics? These numbers don’t lie.” Our Fermanagh correspondent Liz Bellaw interviewed several voters

‘Sectarian head-counting’ to be added to NI schools curriculum

As Northern Ireland Primary Schools prepare to close for yet another election, The Education Authority has confirmed that it intends to rejig the curriculum to reflect the complex nature of democracy here. “This is the 457th election we’ve had in the last 10 years,” explains education expert, Grover Head-Projector. “We can’t keep losing school days

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