A mix up at Conservative Party Headquarters may have inadvertently stumbled upon a solution to the long term care of the elderly, a right wing think tank has claimed. The error happened after two pages of the manifesto got stuck together, meaning that a promise to “allow posh folk in red coats to pursue vermin across…
Northern Irish politics ‘a major cause of heart disease’ say doctors
Taking even a passing interest in the political debates in Northern Ireland can have a dramatic effect on your health, according to a new study produced by clinicians at the Belfast Hospital for Sensible People. According to the research, people who read local newspapers or watch television programmes such as Stephen Nolan’s latest shitstorm ‘The…
DUP in plot to cut number of days Union Flag flies on City Hall
An undercover investigation conducted by Ulster Fry journalists has revealed startling new evidence which suggests that the DUP was at the centre of a plot to reduce the number of ‘designated days’ when the Union Flag flies over Belfast City Hall. There are 18 days on which the flag is flown, including the Queen’s two…
Shock as Northern Ireland parties fail to agree on stuff
There was widespread bewilderment in Northern Irish political circles yesterday as the main Unionist and Nationalist parties failed to reach agreements on pacts within their respective designations. Talks between the DUP and UUP collapsed because – according to an insider – “They hate each other.” As a result it looks likely that the UUP will…
Northern Ireland schools to be funded through supermarket loyalty cards
With the Stormont talks still in deadlock, the Conservative government has unveiled a radical new funding programme for the education sector in Northern Ireland. “It’s perfectly simple,” Secretary of State James Brokenshite told the House of Commons. “Instead of giving principals something extravagant like an adequate amount of money to run a school, we’re going to issue…
DUP and Sinn Fein agree shock General Election pact
Northern Ireland’s two main parties have surprised experts by agreeing to work together to maximise their support in June’s snap General Election. It is understood that Gerry Adams met Arlene Foster for top secret talks at an undisclosed location in Co Fermanagh. Mr Adams later denied being at the meeting although this means that it…
Robots to take control of Northern Ireland “until politicians get their sh*t together”
With the talks process grinding to a halt once again, presumably to give our hard-working politicians a well earned Easter Break, it has emerged that the British and Irish governments have turned to futuristic technology to fill the void left by our elected representatives. “Robots are more than capable of performing dull, repetitive tasks,” says…
New UUP leader denies breaking child’s arm with one flap of his wing
The newly appointed leader of the Ulster Unionist Party has hit out at rumours that he once broke a child’s arm in a bizarre wing flapping accident. Robin Swann, 45, is alleged to have inadvertently injured a 6-year-old boy whilst being fed bread by children at the lake in Mount Stewart in 1998. “I categorically…
Normality breaks out as people gradually realise there are still no MLAs in charge
With Stormont suspended and political leaders busy hanging round TV studios issuing ‘grim warnings’ about the talks, people around Northern Ireland are beginning to behave like the teacher has left the classroom. The reality of having no MLAs to make a balls of things finally sank in after residents woke up to letters telling them they’d…
Cheap fag runs “top priority” in Brexit negotiations, confirms May
Prime Minister Theresa May today reassured UK travellers that their ability to sneakily bring home umpteen cartons of cheap fags that taste like your arsehole will be her top priority during Brexit negotiations. “We may have voted to leave the EU but we’re not giving up our way of life!” she told press at Downing Street this morning. “A carton of Spanish Lambert’s…