Politics articles

foxes

Tories to introduce hunting pensioners with dogs

Tories to introduce hunting pensioners with dogs

A mix up at Conservative Party Headquarters may have inadvertently stumbled upon a solution to the long term care of the elderly, a right wing think tank has claimed. The error happened after two pages of the manifesto got stuck together, meaning that a promise to “allow posh folk in red coats to pursue vermin across

nolanheartattach

Northern Irish politics ‘a major cause of heart disease’ say doctors

Taking even a passing interest in the political debates in Northern Ireland can have a dramatic effect on your health, according to a new study produced by clinicians at the Belfast Hospital for Sensible People. According to the research, people who read local newspapers or watch television programmes such as Stephen Nolan’s latest shitstorm ‘The

leaders

Shock as Northern Ireland parties fail to agree on stuff

There was widespread bewilderment in Northern Irish political circles yesterday as the main Unionist and Nationalist parties failed to reach agreements on pacts within their respective designations. Talks between the DUP and UUP collapsed because – according to an insider – “They hate each other.” As a result it looks likely that the UUP will

School

Northern Ireland schools to be funded through supermarket loyalty cards

With the Stormont talks still in deadlock, the Conservative government has unveiled a radical new funding programme for the education sector in Northern Ireland. “It’s perfectly simple,” Secretary of State James Brokenshite told the House of Commons. “Instead of giving principals something extravagant like an adequate amount of money to run a school, we’re going to issue

ROBOTS-AGAIN

Robots to take control of Northern Ireland “until politicians get their sh*t together”

With the talks process grinding to a halt once again, presumably to give our hard-working politicians a well earned Easter Break, it has emerged that the British and Irish governments have turned to futuristic technology to fill the void left by our elected representatives. “Robots are more than capable of performing dull, repetitive tasks,” says

Stormont

Normality breaks out as people gradually realise there are still no MLAs in charge

With Stormont suspended and political leaders busy hanging round TV studios issuing ‘grim warnings’ about the talks, people around Northern Ireland are beginning to behave like the teacher has left the classroom. The reality of having no MLAs to make a balls of things finally sank in after residents woke up to letters telling them they’d

lambert

Cheap fag runs “top priority” in Brexit negotiations, confirms May

Prime Minister Theresa May today reassured UK travellers that their ability to sneakily bring home umpteen cartons of cheap fags that taste like your arsehole will be her top priority during Brexit negotiations. “We may have voted to leave the EU but we’re not giving up our way of life!” she told press at Downing Street this morning. “A carton of Spanish Lambert’s

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