The news that the Red Hand Commando group has asked to be legalised so that it can become an ‘Old Comrades Association’ has led to calls for a retirement home specifically for paramilitaries. “Lots of these guys are getting on in years,” says the brains behind the scheme, Sam Tex, “Our facility will cater for all…
Adams set to deny ever being Sinn Féin President
Sinn Féin President Gerry Adams has told supporters that he intends to set a date when he’ll be able to deny ever having their support. “We have a 10 year plan,” he told a party gathering this morning. “By the time it’s finished I’ll be able to deny ever existing at all, a bit like…
UN plans round table ‘boot up the hole’ talks at Stormont
With the Stormont ‘talks’ lurching into a yet another crisis it appears that the United Nations may be forced to step in and give everyone involved a severe boot up the hole. “Your whole country is going to shit,” said a senior UN spokesman. “Half your population is on a hospital waiting list, your schools…
Footballers to replace MLAs in transfer deadline day twist
The stalemate in Northern Irish politics could sensationally be broken by midnight tonight, after an audacious plan emerged to recruit new MLAs on footballs transfer market. “Arlene and Michelle have been disastrous for us upfront.” revealed Stormont spokesman, George Worst. “Despite constantly being on the attack they still haven’t produced enough balls to strike up…
OJ Simpson lined up as Justice Minister if Assembly ever gets off its hole
Controversial, but innocent, former US sportsman OJ Simpson has been sensationally lined up for the Justice Minister’s role at Stormont when he is released from prison. It is understood that Sinn Fein’s Northern Commander Michelle O’Neill originally proposed the actor’s name, claiming that he had all the experience needed for the job. “Mr Simpson is…
10% of Civil Servants will have to phone in sick using Irish, claim Language Act opponents
Sinn Fein have rubbished claims that 10% of new entrants to the Civil Service will have to phone in sick in Irish if their proposed Language Act becomes law. “This is ridiculous,” said Sinn Fein President Gerry Adams. “Even fluent speakers like me can’t say diarrhoea in Irish, and I am famous for my ability to talk shite. Obviously…
Talks drag on to allow parties to spend more time in new Stormont hot tub
The Stormont talks are likely to last at least another 24 hours after it emerged that Theresa May had bought the DUP a state of the art hot-tub as part of their Westminster deal. The Ulster Fry understands that the facility has been installed in a new beer garden to the rear of Parliament Buildings, alongside a bouncy…
London Hipster “hated the DUP before it was cool”
A Shoreditch hipster has claimed to be the first person in the country to think that the DUP are a bunch of arseholes, it has emerged. 25-year-old Peckham Market told us that he’d googled the DUP “ages ago”. “Yeah like, I’d been doing some research about the election on Saturday – in this really hip cafe…
“Gosh, the DUP seem horrible!”, gasp people who voted for poverty, corruption & NHS cuts
Tory supporters across the UK are ‘extremely concerned’ it has emerged, after Googling the Democratic Unionist Party and discovering they are even more hateful than the people they voted for. “I’m absolutely disgusted.”revealed 31 year old Tory fan, Branston Pickle. “I mean, blocking a woman’s right to have an abortion is terrible. It’s only fair you allow children to be actually born before…
EXCLUSIVE: The DUP wishlist in full…
With the DUP holding the balance of power in Westminster, Arlene Foster is expected to extract a high price for backing Theresa May. The Ulster Fry has gained EXCLUSIVE* access to a leaked letter from the DUP leader, which reveals all the party’s key demands… Dear Theresa, Many thanks for your kind invite to be part…