A Shoreditch hipster has claimed to be the first person in the country to think that the DUP are a bunch of arseholes, it has emerged. 25-year-old Peckham Market told us that he’d googled the DUP “ages ago”. “Yeah like, I’d been doing some research about the election on Saturday – in this really hip cafe…
“Gosh, the DUP seem horrible!”, gasp people who voted for poverty, corruption & NHS cuts
Tory supporters across the UK are ‘extremely concerned’ it has emerged, after Googling the Democratic Unionist Party and discovering they are even more hateful than the people they voted for. “I’m absolutely disgusted.”revealed 31 year old Tory fan, Branston Pickle. “I mean, blocking a woman’s right to have an abortion is terrible. It’s only fair you allow children to be actually born before…
EXCLUSIVE: The DUP wishlist in full…
With the DUP holding the balance of power in Westminster, Arlene Foster is expected to extract a high price for backing Theresa May. The Ulster Fry has gained EXCLUSIVE* access to a leaked letter from the DUP leader, which reveals all the party’s key demands… Dear Theresa, Many thanks for your kind invite to be part…
Fermanagh South Tyrone sets new election record with 187% turnout
Political pundits have been left speechless after the turnout in the Fermanagh South Tyrone constituency reached a staggering 186.8%, a full three hours before polling actually closes. “We’ve never seen anything like it,” said one expert. “Who says people aren’t interested in politics? These numbers don’t lie.” Our Fermanagh correspondent Liz Bellaw interviewed several voters…
‘Sectarian head-counting’ to be added to NI schools curriculum
As Northern Ireland Primary Schools prepare to close for yet another election, The Education Authority has confirmed that it intends to rejig the curriculum to reflect the complex nature of democracy here. “This is the 457th election we’ve had in the last 10 years,” explains education expert, Grover Head-Projector. “We can’t keep losing school days…
Northern Ireland set to elect it’s first ‘openly sectarian’ MP
Following the news that the Republic has an openly gay Taoiseach, it has emerged that voters in Northern Ireland are on the verge of electing their first MP to openly admit to that he’s a bigoted bastard. Whilst there is a long history of electing sectarian hurbags in the Province, such MPs generally try and…
Tories to introduce hunting pensioners with dogs
A mix up at Conservative Party Headquarters may have inadvertently stumbled upon a solution to the long term care of the elderly, a right wing think tank has claimed. The error happened after two pages of the manifesto got stuck together, meaning that a promise to “allow posh folk in red coats to pursue vermin across…
Northern Irish politics ‘a major cause of heart disease’ say doctors
Taking even a passing interest in the political debates in Northern Ireland can have a dramatic effect on your health, according to a new study produced by clinicians at the Belfast Hospital for Sensible People. According to the research, people who read local newspapers or watch television programmes such as Stephen Nolan’s latest shitstorm ‘The…
DUP in plot to cut number of days Union Flag flies on City Hall
An undercover investigation conducted by Ulster Fry journalists has revealed startling new evidence which suggests that the DUP was at the centre of a plot to reduce the number of ‘designated days’ when the Union Flag flies over Belfast City Hall. There are 18 days on which the flag is flown, including the Queen’s two…
Shock as Northern Ireland parties fail to agree on stuff
There was widespread bewilderment in Northern Irish political circles yesterday as the main Unionist and Nationalist parties failed to reach agreements on pacts within their respective designations. Talks between the DUP and UUP collapsed because – according to an insider – “They hate each other.” As a result it looks likely that the UUP will…