Politics articles

London Hipster “hated the DUP before it was cool”

London Hipster “hated the DUP before it was cool”

A Shoreditch hipster has claimed to be the first person in the country to think that the DUP are a bunch of arseholes, it has emerged. 25-year-old Peckham Market told us that he’d googled the DUP “ages ago”. “Yeah like, I’d been doing some research about the election on Saturday – in this really hip cafe

“Gosh, the DUP seem horrible!”, gasp people who voted for poverty, corruption & NHS cuts

Tory supporters across the UK are ‘extremely concerned’ it has emerged, after Googling the Democratic Unionist Party and discovering they are even more hateful than the people they voted for. “I’m absolutely disgusted.”revealed 31 year old Tory fan, Branston Pickle. “I mean, blocking a woman’s right to have an abortion is terrible. It’s only fair you allow children to be actually born before

Fermanagh South Tyrone sets new election record with 187% turnout

Political pundits have been left speechless after the turnout in the Fermanagh South Tyrone constituency reached a staggering 186.8%, a full three hours before polling actually closes. “We’ve never seen anything like it,” said one expert. “Who says people aren’t interested in politics? These numbers don’t lie.” Our Fermanagh correspondent Liz Bellaw interviewed several voters

‘Sectarian head-counting’ to be added to NI schools curriculum

As Northern Ireland Primary Schools prepare to close for yet another election, The Education Authority has confirmed that it intends to rejig the curriculum to reflect the complex nature of democracy here. “This is the 457th election we’ve had in the last 10 years,” explains education expert, Grover Head-Projector. “We can’t keep losing school days

Northern Irish politics ‘a major cause of heart disease’ say doctors

Taking even a passing interest in the political debates in Northern Ireland can have a dramatic effect on your health, according to a new study produced by clinicians at the Belfast Hospital for Sensible People. According to the research, people who read local newspapers or watch television programmes such as Stephen Nolan’s latest shitstorm ‘The

Shock as Northern Ireland parties fail to agree on stuff

There was widespread bewilderment in Northern Irish political circles yesterday as the main Unionist and Nationalist parties failed to reach agreements on pacts within their respective designations. Talks between the DUP and UUP collapsed because – according to an insider – “They hate each other.” As a result it looks likely that the UUP will