With hundreds of Ryanair flights facing cancellation over unused vacation time, Secretary of State James Brokenshire has dramatically ordered work-shy MLAs to start earning their wages and take to the skies. “It’s an ideal solution” he told a press conference earlier. “Much like pilots, MLAs get paid for sitting on their holes all day. As they’ve been such doing an excellent…
High Street tensions rise as Poundland ‘conducts viable nuclear test’
There is growing concern in security circles that traditional ‘High Street’ price wars may be about to escalate after Poundland began selling nuclear weapons in its Banbridge branch. The move comes amid heightened tensions in the budget shopping sector, with the ‘Big Two’ – Poundland and Poundworld – increasingly concerned about the rise of competitors like B&M,…
DUP launch ‘Club 16-90’ budget holidays
In a shock development unrelated to anything in the news, it has emerged that the DUP has plans to launch its own travel agency. “Club 16-90 will offer attractive holidays whatever your budget, so long as that budget is absolutely humongous and probably paid by someone else,” said the DUP’s Travel and Tourism spokesman Thomas Crook.…
Driverless lorries “will still leave old dirty mags in hedges” says government
Government plans to test driverless lorries on the UK’s roads will ensure that their computer systems are able to replicate the behaviour of actual lorry drivers, The Ulster Fry has learned. “These new lorries will be able to do everything that a manned vehicle can do,” said Department of Transport spokesman Leyland Daft. “For example, they’ll still attempt to…
Game of Thrones tours now Northern Ireland’s biggest employer of beards
A staggering 112% of beards here are now working in a Game of Thrones related industry, new figures from the Department of Unusual Statistics have revealed. “Prior to Game of Thrones there was huge unemployment in the facial hair community,” says the Department’s spokesbeard Randal Bar-Moustache. “There were limited opportunities on the faces of craft…
New airline “exclusively for drunk people” to operate out of Belfast
Amid news that an increase in arrests for drunken behaviour by passengers may lead to curbs on the sale of alcohol on flights, a Belfast based airline has launched a service aimed exclusively at plastered travellers. Queasy Jet will operate flights to several popular holiday destinations, including the Canary and Balearic Islands, Greece and Corfu. “Getting snattered at…
“Our packets haven’t shrunk, they’re just further away”, claim Tayto
Amidst the news that over 2,500 UK products have gotten smaller in a phenomenon called ‘shrinkflation’, local crisp magnate Tayto has reassured customers that their packets haven’t shrunk – they’re just further away. “Your arms are at least 6 inches longer now than when you were at school!” explained Tayto spokesman, John Cocktail. “So whilst our crisp packets might seem smaller…
Co Tyrone to get Ceefax ‘by 2022’ as part of DUP/Tory technology deal
The technology sector West of the Bann is set to get a major boost as part of the negotiations between the DUP and the Conservative Party in London, which will see £150 million paid out to provide ultra-fast broadband across NI. “Or maybe that should be ‘Ulster-Fast’,” admitted one of the DUP team. “We’re hoping…
Innovative Belfast barber shop to only offer haircuts
The world of male grooming was turned on it’s head today, as one Belfast barber shop unveiled an audacious plan to simply cut men’s hair without trying to pretend they are prize fighters, 1920’s dockers, lumberjacks or vikings. Nick’s Barbers on Queen Street shocked business experts by insisting that they won’t be selling craft beer at the…
Royal Mint launch separate ‘Pound’ coin for Northern Ireland
The Head Spokesminter of the Royal Mint announced today that the newly-launched £1 coin, much lauded for its improvements in security, would not be legal tender in Northern Ireland until an Executive is formed. “The launch of the new coin was a momentous day for us,” said Bob Pounder, “but we couldn’t risk damaging its reputation in…