The technology sector West of the Bann is set to get a major boost as part of the negotiations between the DUP and the Conservative Party in London, which will see £150 million paid out to provide ultra-fast broadband across NI. “Or maybe that should be ‘Ulster-Fast’,” admitted one of the DUP team. “We’re hoping…
Innovative Belfast barber shop to only offer haircuts
The world of male grooming was turned on it’s head today, as one Belfast barber shop unveiled an audacious plan to simply cut men’s hair without trying to pretend they are prize fighters, 1920’s dockers, lumberjacks or vikings. Nick’s Barbers on Queen Street shocked business experts by insisting that they won’t be selling craft beer at the…
Royal Mint launch separate ‘Pound’ coin for Northern Ireland
The Head Spokesminter of the Royal Mint announced today that the newly-launched £1 coin, much lauded for its improvements in security, would not be legal tender in Northern Ireland until an Executive is formed. “The launch of the new coin was a momentous day for us,” said Bob Pounder, “but we couldn’t risk damaging its reputation in…
Buckfast Easter Egg ‘the pinnacle of Western Civilization’
Cultural commentators across the globe have agreed that Western Civilisation can advance no further after an off licence in Lurgan unveiled the Buckfast Easter Egg. “Writers, artists, inventors and scientists can just give up now,” said that BBC culture expert with the unusually shaped head. “The Buckfast Easter Egg has just crowned 10000 years of…
French car manufacturers to rebrand for Northern Ireland motorists
French car companies have finally woken up to the fact that many people here struggle to pronounce their names, and are to undergo complete rebrands to suit the Northern Irish consumer. According to Parisian motoring journalist Sylvestre Lecat, the change was inevitable. “May wee,” he told us, “vous est totally unable to say les French…
Celebrations everywhere as Belfast man completes trolley-free Christmas shop
Northern Ireland chalked up another historic first today after local man, Vince Pie, successfully did his entire Christmas shop in Tesco, Newtonbreda without a trolley or basket. “Thon things are for weemin!” he scowled when we approached him for an exclusive interview. “Ye don’t see Bear Grylls taking a basket into the woods when he’s hungry…
Price of Um Bongo sky-rockets as Brexit bites
The popular juice based drink Um Bongo is to double in price as supermarkets grapple with exchange rate fluctuations in the wake of the Brexit vote. “It’s an impossible situation,” says top economist Connery Wharf, “the pound is now so weak against the Congolese franc it’s inevitable that the cost of importing the refreshing children’s drink…
Fake news more accurate than the real stuff, say experts
As the kerfuffle about the influence of so-called ‘Fake News’ on the US Presidential election continues to grow, experts have uncovered evidence that the made up stuff is often more accurate than the so-called real thing. The report follows the publication of a list of fake news websites by a North American academic, which lumped…
Belfast airline Beezer Jet launches flights to New York
In the light of the news that United Airlines is to cancel its service from Belfast International to New York, local independent carrier Beezer Jet has been quick off the mark to step into the breach. The airline, established earlier this year by businessman Hans Luggage, is one of Northern Ireland’s biggest success stories, now flying passengers…
Third bus stop at Belfast International Airport approved
Northern Ireland’s transport links moved proudly into the 1960s today with the approval of plans for a third bus-stop at the world famous Belfast International Airport. Tourists from across the globe regularly jet into the International Airport from far-flung destinations such as Manchester and Glasgow, but often spend their stay here staring at the County Antrim countryside,…