Local News articles

Police promise crackdown on illegal culchie “jives”

Police promise crackdown on illegal culchie “jives”

The PSNI has set up a special unit to deal with an upsurge in huge illegal dance events in rural areas across Northern Ireland, The Ulster Fry has learned. The Division Against Non-legal Culchie Events (known as the D.A.N.C.E squad) was established after 23 country music revellers were taken to hospital with 1st degree foot blisters and dizziness

“Lost city of Atlantis” discovered near Lough Neagh, claims archaeologist

An Armagh archaeologist has stunned experts by claiming to have found a lost civilisation close to the shoreline of Lough Neagh. Lorcan Spade, Professor of Old Things at the University of Tandragee, told us that the recent spell of hot weather had left the lough “like a dry sheugh,” allowing him access to a previously unexplored landscape. “I began

Controversial ‘English Language Act’ proposed for Northern Ireland

The debate around Northern Ireland’s linguistic culture took an unusual twist today with the launch of a campaign for an English Language Act specifically tailored for the Province. The move comes from the Belfast Area Royal Society for English Speakers, a new organisation dedicated to promoting the language across Northern Ireland. “The English language is now

NHS Hackers “unable to get past Northern Ireland doctors receptionists”

The hackers behind the cyber attacks on UK hospitals gave up on targeting the NHS in Northern Ireland after discovering they’d have to wait months to get access to computer systems. “We originally planned to include your hospitals,” international cyber-terrorist Dell Tower explained to our security correspondent, “But we were told we’d have to hack

63% of NI men currently shirtless, say police

As Ulster enjoys an almost unprecedented fifth day of sunshine, police have confirmed that two-thirds of NI men are currently wearing nothing above the waist bar a watch they bought in Santa Ponsa one year. “Our officer’s body-cams utilise high-tech imaging software” explained Bobby Peeler from the PSNI’s Quare n Powerful Yokes Division. “aside from facial recognition of known criminals, we can also detect the outline

Lisburn City Council votes to ban Monster Munch in schools

Councillors in Lisburn and Castlereagh have sensationally voted to support a ban on the sale of the popular corn based snack Monster Munch in schools across the district. Downshire East DUP representative Carson Robinson had proposed the controversial motion, arguing that the crisps are “symbolic of either evolution or Satanism, probably both.” “The name of

Arlene Foster injured by elephant during DUP trip to the circus

DUP leader Arlene Foster suffered minor injuries this afternoon in what has been described as a “freak accident” during a visit to the circus with party colleagues. It is understood that Mrs Foster had taken MPs Jeffrey Donaldson and Gavin Robinson on the trip in a bid to cheer them up after last week’s election. “Wee

Fury as slightly higher bar replaces Ponderosa as Ireland’s highest pub

There was sporadic violence on the Glenshane Pass today after locals awoke to find that the famous Ponderosa Bar had been stripped of its ‘Highest Pub in Ireland’ title by a new establishment built a few hundred yards further up the hillside. It is understood that the new pub, called The High Chaparral, was erected

Ironic outrage as NI newspaper exposes plot to sway public opinion via media

As Northern Ireland awoke to the news that some over-eager political party activists may have used the media to sway public opinion on key political issues by calling into a radio station, the Norn Iron Telegraph issued a stinging “hands off” rebuke to any would be newcomers entering the arena. “Back off!” shouted angry newspaper editor, Gayle Marcher, on the steps