Local News articles


Lisburn City Council votes to ban Monster Munch in schools

Lisburn City Council votes to ban Monster Munch in schools

Councillors in Lisburn and Castlereagh have sensationally voted to support a ban on the sale of the popular corn based snack Monster Munch in schools across the district. Downshire East DUP representative Carson Robinson had proposed the controversial motion, arguing that the crisps are “symbolic of either evolution or Satanism, probably both.” “The name of


Ironic outrage as NI newspaper exposes plot to sway public opinion via media

As Northern Ireland awoke to the news that some over-eager political party activists may have used the media to sway public opinion on key political issues by calling into a radio station, the Norn Iron Telegraph issued a stinging “hands off” rebuke to any would be newcomers entering the arena. “Back off!” shouted angry newspaper editor, Gayle Marcher, on the steps


RHI material “100% renewable”, say local comedy writers

Whilst the rest of the country are furiously paying out their hole to heat horse solariums, Ferrari garages and chicken coups, Northern Irish comedy writers have revealed that they’ve been able to run entire satirical websites using a single reusable news story as a fuel source for nearly two months! The news comes amid today’s allegations that RHI was


NI politicians can’t agree where to keep red sauce, reveals report

With the country already in turmoil following the collapse of the NI Executive, Ulster’s political crisis deepened even further today following revelations of widespread disagreement at Stormont about to where to keep the tomato ketchup. “Constantly blaming each other for wasting public money or once being affiliated with terrorism might dominate their press coverage” explained top civil servant,


Liam Neeson urged to run for First Minister

Hollywood superstar Liam Neeson has been urged to come home and sort the country out today, after a video appeared online in which he appears to make perfect sense, doesn’t repeatedly blame themuns or show anyone in their pyjamas. Mr Neeson is backing a campaign to replace Northern Ireland’s popular segregated education system, which has successfully taught children how to get along with their


South Armagh lettuce smuggling operation raided by PSNI

As the world vegetable shortage continues to bite, police on both sides of the border have made arrests after a “significant lettuce cache” was uncovered on a farm outside Forkhill in South Armagh. It is believed that smugglers with links to the Republican movement have shifted tactics in recent weeks, moving away from diesel laundering


Trump buys Scrabo Tower ahead of historic NI visit

Following an invite to visit Northern Ireland, the Ulster Fry has learned that Donald Trump is to expand his portfolio of eponymously named real-estate landmarks by buying Scrabo Tower in Co Down. “We’ve accepted an offer from Mr Trump and it’s worth a clean fortune!” revealed former owner, Newton Ards.  “He asked me how much I was looking so I just pulled