Local News articles

Commuter rescued after three days stranded in Belfast traffic

Commuter rescued after three days stranded in Belfast traffic

A Comber man has been airlifted to safety after spending several days stuck in the perpetual traffic jam that is usually called the Newtownards Road. It is understood that 42-year-old Billy Hackamore left his home around 4am on Thursday morning “hoping to beat the traffic” but became stranded in the roadworks at the Knock traffic lights. “I

Exam board to offer GCSE in understanding GCSE results

The Council for the Curriculum, Examination and Assessment (CCEA) has been forced to introduce a new qualification which will help parents and pupils understand the GCSE process. They announced the plan this morning, after thousands of bewildered families received results letters. “Apparently I’ve got 196 in Biology Unit 1A Higher Intermediate Geography,” we were told by 15-year-old

DUP MP Sammy Wilson washed away in floods

Prominent DUP MP Sammy Wilson and his views on climate change have been completely washed away in last night’s flooding, a party spokesman has admitted. The Ulster Fry understands that the East Antrim representative’s flood defences were finally breached by a torrent of water at 9pm last night, with satellite images showing him floating northwards off the coast of Scotland. “Sammy

A Levels “not as hard as they used to be”, claims everyone over the age of 20

With record grades again this year, Northern Ireland’s successful A Level students have spent the day being told how easy their exams were compared to years ago. “I got two As and a C,” said Lisburn teenager Marcus Easy, “When I phoned to tell my da he just shouted ‘Piece of piss’ and hung up.” “Then when I

NI Water begins piped mineral water service for Hillsborough

The residents of Northern Ireland’s poshest town are celebrating in a refined and understated manner today after learning that their town has finally been connected to piped sparkling Evian water. Hillsboroughtonians have been lobbying the authorities for decades, disgruntled that they are forced to flush their toilets with the same water as people who live in

Apprentice Boys finally set to become Fully Qualified Tradesmen

The Apprentice Boys are set for a dramatic re-brand, the Ulster Fry had learned, after it emerged that all of their members are now fully qualified tradesmen. “We finally graduated this summer!” revealed now former Apprentice Boy Lorcan Gates after today’s march around the walled city. “We managed to arse about playing pool and smoking

Belfast launches European Capital of Culture bid with display of traditional rioting

The unofficial launch of the Northern Ireland bid to be the 2023 European Capital of Culture title was marked with a demonstration of formation rioting in Belfast last night. Tourists from around the globe looked on in wonder as masked youths put on the unimpressive display, described by one critic as “taking the art of pointlessness to new

American tourists devastated to find ‘Sandy Row’ is not a beach

An American family holidaying in Belfast have been left shocked and confused to find that the famed ‘Sandy Row’ they’d been hearing so much about is not in fact a beach but a historically loyalist residential thoroughfare. “We feel totally deceived,” said Hank Thunder, the family’s patriarch, “People kept telling me that this was where

Average person now spends 5 years of their life putting cars through MOT

Most people waste half a decade of their lives running around trying to sort shit out for car MOTs, a new report has claimed. According to the survey conducted jointly by two Northern Irish motoring magazines – What Motor and Cyarfinder – MOTing your car is as stressful as organising a funeral, giving birth to triplets, and getting married – all

Tensions rise in East Belfast after man erects two flags.

There is growing concern among community representatives in East Belfast after a local man added a second flag to his home, and immediately declared himself “100% more loyal” than his single flagged neighbour. The incident, which occurred in Aughrim Street, launched a run of tit-for-tat flag related activities, which the PSNI fear may spiral out of control. Aughrim St