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Northern Ireland schools to be funded through supermarket loyalty cards

Northern Ireland schools to be funded through supermarket loyalty cards

With the Stormont talks still in deadlock, the Conservative government has unveiled a radical new funding programme for the education sector in Northern Ireland. “It’s perfectly simple,” Secretary of State James Brokenshite told the House of Commons. “Instead of giving principals something extravagant like an adequate amount of money to run a school, we’re going to issue


DUP and Sinn Fein agree shock General Election pact

Northern Ireland’s two main parties have surprised experts by agreeing to work together to maximise their support in June’s snap General Election. It is understood that Gerry Adams met Arlene Foster for top secret talks at an undisclosed location in Co Fermanagh. Mr Adams later denied being at the meeting although this means that it


EXCLUSIVE: Fast & Furious 9 to be filmed in Northern Ireland

With their eighth globetrotting instalment currently breaking box office records, Vin Diesel has confirmed that the next Fast & Furious movie will be shot in Northern Ireland. “Toretto’s crew is going back-to-basics!” revealed Diesel. “Their cash is running out, so they’ll be relying on their wits, instincts and ability to spot a clinker at the mid-Ulster auctions to get back on the road!” His co-star Michelle Rodriguez


North Kilrea placed on high alert amid fears of Korea mix-up

The ruling council of North Kilrea has raised the region’s security status to ‘Def-Con-Wan hi’ amid fears that US President Donald Trump may be preparing for military action in the area. “We’re taking the threat very seriously ,” the President of the local Sheepdog Society, Jim-Young-Wan told us, “The citizens of the Democratic People’s Republic of North Kilrea will


Robots to take control of Northern Ireland “until politicians get their sh*t together”

With the talks process grinding to a halt once again, presumably to give our hard-working politicians a well earned Easter Break, it has emerged that the British and Irish governments have turned to futuristic technology to fill the void left by our elected representatives. “Robots are more than capable of performing dull, repetitive tasks,” says