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phonemyphone

“Will you phone my phone?” voted NI’s most popular relationship question

“Will you phone my phone?” voted NI’s most popular relationship question

A new report by the Ballymoney Institute of Anthropology has revealed that asking your partner to ‘phone my phone’ is the most common form of inter-couple communication in modern-day Northern Ireland. “About 90% of our daily interaction revolves around me using my mobile to find hers” admitted weary Craigavon husband, Hugh Awey. “It’s mental, because I don’t bother my hole calling her when I’m

sunbathing

NI residents shocked to be living in Northern Ireland, claims report

People across NI were “absolutely horrified” today to discover that they do not live in Florida, according to a new report. The revelation came to light earlier after tiny water particles gathered high in the atmosphere above the Province, eventually falling in small droplets known as ‘rain’. The disaster struck after almost two weeks of almost uninterrupted sunshine,

saltedcaramel

All food brands to have a ‘salted caramel’ flavour by 2018

There was widespread excitement amongst people who eat stuff today, as news emerged that global food manufacturers are busy working on new ‘salted caramel’ and ‘peanut butter’ versions of all their products. “Making stuff salty and sweet is the hottest new trend in food!” explained leading food critic, Ella Salmon. “My kids won’t touch anything now unless it comes in these

Quare-Drying-Weather

‘Thon’s quare drying weather’, reveal mums

Local mums lost the run of themselves today as news emerged that it was perfect weather for drying stuff. “I was so lured after I seen the weather forecast this morning!” Tyrone mammy Sian Mills told us. “I’d three loads of washing done by lunchtime, but it dried that quick I put them all on for a second cycle there, just to make sure.” Her

FoodChart

5K to Couch: The Ulster Fry guide to getting out of shape

It’s the Belfast marathon tomorrow, and lots of folk have been preparing for the fun runs and relays that go along with the big event itself. As a result everyone’s Facebook timeline is full of normally lazy hallions angling after sponsorship for waddling a few miles, but that leaves a big question – how will they get

baby

Local man complaining about Easter opening hours never gets out anyway

A Dundonald man who intends to spend the weekend complaining about Northern Ireland’s archaic licencing laws on social media rarely leaves the house anyway, it has emerged. “If it wasn’t for these ridiculous laws I could be down the pub playing pool with the lads and eyeing up the talent, doing cool stuff,” the self-employed chancer told

KendallJenner

Kendall Jenner to head up the Parades Commission

Centuries of community tensions over parading in NI may soon be a thing of the past, after US celebrity Kendall Jenner revealed she’ll be handing out ice cold cans of Pepsi over the Twelfth this year. “I’m heading to Northern Ireland this summer” she revealed on Twitter earlier today. “to help bring about peace and stuff!” Seemingly excited by the prospect of dishing

motherdays

People forced to visit their mum following Facebook login issue

Chaos unfolded across the globe today after a Facebook glitch left millions of users unable to login, forcing them to actually visit the person who once gave birth to them. “I couldn’t get signed in to my app all day!” moaned Ted Melter from Bangor. “So I had to actually visit my Ma and tell her I loved her. Like in person, to her actual face… instead of telling hundreds of

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