The stalemate in Northern Irish politics could sensationally be broken by midnight tonight, after an audacious plan emerged to recruit new MLAs on footballs transfer market. “Arlene and Michelle have been disastrous for us upfront.” revealed Stormont spokesman, George Worst. “Despite constantly being on the attack they still haven’t produced enough balls to strike up…
McGregor & Mayweather to finally open bank accounts, say reports
After years of turning up at star-studded events carrying massive wads of cash, Conor McGregor and Floyd Mayweather are finally set to open current accounts following their half-billion dollar bout, the Ulster Fry has learned. “I’m sick of keeping all my dough under my mattress!” revealed Mayweather at today’s press conference. “All my celebrity pals just…
Local football fans torn between love for both Linfield and Celtic
Thousands of football fans across Northern Ireland find themselves in a severe quandary today as their two favourite sides prepare to meet in a Champions League qualifying match. “There’s a real cross-over in the fan-base of both clubs,” we were told by Scottish football pundit Jocky Fullerton. “It’s true you get the odd Linfield fan who…
American golfer Graeme McDowell’s ancestry traced back to Co Antrim
Patriotic local golf fans got an unexpected new hero at this week’s Irish Open, after historians discovered that US golfer Graeme McDowell’s ancestors are actually from the County Antrim town of Portrush. “Well gee-whiz that’s fantastic!” McDowell told local press. “My grandpappy used to tell us stories bout the ol’ country when we wer little ‘uns, but darn tootin’ I was…
Norn Iron MPs ARE worth more than Ronaldo, say top football clubs
Europe’s top football clubs have made shock transfer swoops for some of the biggest names in Northern Irish politics, after an SNP politician claimed that our MPs “are worth more than Ronaldo”. Spanish giants Real Madrid made the first move, signing DUP stalwart Gregory Campbell for an astonishing 120 million Euros. Mr Campbell has immediately…
McGregor to face May after promotional mix-up
Mixed Martial Underpants fighter Conor McGregor is to accidentally fight UK Prime Minister Theresa May as a result of a printing error in the contract. The Ulster Fry understands that the agreement that Mr McGregor would “fight Mayweather, subject to a permit” was mis-typed as stating that he’d “fight May, weather permitting”. As a result…
Tiger Woods “on the rip” since McIllroy’s stag do, say pals
Following his arrest yesterday, during which it appears US police dragged him backwards through a hedge, sources close to golfer Tiger Woods claim he’s been ‘on the lash’ since Rory McIllroy’s stag do in Magaluf. “He’d literally just landed home!” revealed close pal, Wilson Staff. “We told tour organisers he had a dodgy back to cover for him,…
DUP outraged as NI is overrun by leather-clad men riding up yer hole
There was anger amongst local homophobes today, as thousands of men dressed in skin-tight leather outfits descended upon Portrush to shove motorised contraptions between their arse cheeks and chase each other around the town. “We cannot stand idly by whilst our beautiful north coast is overrun by leather-clad men drinking beer and admiring each other helmets!” said DUP spokesman, Abraham Sammich. “It’s an absolute…
Belfast relay runners outraged as event named the “Fun-Sized Marathon”
Thousands of people who completed a small section of today’s Belfast Marathon were left even more red-faced today after Belfast City Council officially branded their category the “Fun-Sized Marathon”. The move has created major embarrassment for lots of these entrants, many of whom have been feverishly posting fitness related social media updates that gives the distinct impression they are the next Paula Radcliffe or…
BBC reveals ‘All England’ Sports Personality of the Year plans
In the light of the controversial decision to omit prominent Northern Irish sports people like Carl Frampton, Jonathan Rea, Bethany Firth and Jackie Fullerton from the Sports Personality shortlist this year, BBC Executives have confirmed that in future the award will be renamed the All-England Personality of the Year. “There’s no point in beating about…