A study commissioned by the University of Lurgan has come to the conclusion that the standard of basic manners in Northern Ireland has slipped to ‘unacceptable levels’.
“We’ve spent months on the the survey,” explains Dr Henry Doorholder or the University’s Basic F**king Manners department, “and have observed the behaviour of the population in queues, shops and bars. There is no doubt that the attitude of the local population has gone to shit.”
“Folk in bus queues, for example, haven’t a f**king clue how to behave. They arrive 10 seconds before the vehicle leaves, then decide that they should be first onto the vehicle despite the 10 other people who’ve been standing in the pissing rain that were there before them.”
“It’s the same in bars,” he continued, “you can be waiting for 10 minutes to get a pint, then some dick with a beard pushes in front of your and orders 5 Strawberry Dacquaris. Whatever happened to telling the barman to serve the guy in front? Bastards.”
The behaviour of staff in such bars and shops is also poor, claims the report. “We see it all the time,” says Dr Doorholder, “no one says ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ any more. They just tell you how much it costs and say ‘do you wanna beg’? If I wanted a f**king beg I’d ask for one.
The report also claims that the standard of language use is deteriorating. According to Dr Doorholder “Everyone f**king swears, all the f**king time, there’s no f**king need for it. Why am I swearing now? I don’t f**king know.”
The report does not make any recommendations for dealing with the problem. However it is believed that the Department of Culture, Arts and Leisure are considering a pilot scheme where ill mannered members of the public would be given a good boot up the hole by specially trained operatives.
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