Author Archives: The Ulster Fry

Atlantis

“Lost city of Atlantis” discovered near Lough Neagh, claims archaeologist

“Lost city of Atlantis” discovered near Lough Neagh, claims archaeologist

An Armagh archaeologist has stunned experts by claiming to have found a lost civilisation close to the shoreline of Lough Neagh. Lorcan Spade, Professor of Old Things at the University of Tandragee, told us that the recent spell of hot weather had left the lough “like a dry sheugh,” allowing him access to a previously unexplored landscape. “I began

hacker

NHS Hackers “unable to get past Northern Ireland doctors receptionists”

The hackers behind the cyber attacks on UK hospitals gave up on targeting the NHS in Northern Ireland after discovering they’d have to wait months to get access to computer systems. “We originally planned to include your hospitals,” international cyber-terrorist Dell Tower explained to our security correspondent, “But we were told we’d have to hack

phonemyphone

“Will you phone my phone?” voted NI’s most popular relationship question

A new report by the Ballymoney Institute of Anthropology has revealed that asking your partner to ‘phone my phone’ is the most common form of inter-couple communication in modern-day Northern Ireland. “About 90% of our daily interaction revolves around me using my mobile to find hers” admitted weary Craigavon husband, Hugh Awey. “It’s mental, because I don’t bother my hole calling her when I’m

biker

DUP outraged as NI is overrun by leather-clad men riding up yer hole

There was anger amongst local homophobes today, as thousands of men dressed in skin-tight leather outfits descended upon Portrush to shove motorised contraptions between their arse cheeks and chase each other around the town. “We cannot stand idly by whilst our beautiful north coast is overrun by leather-clad men drinking beer and admiring each other helmets!” said DUP spokesman, Abraham Sammich. “It’s an absolute

sunbathing

NI residents shocked to be living in Northern Ireland, claims report

People across NI were “absolutely horrified” today to discover that they do not live in Florida, according to a new report. The revelation came to light earlier after tiny water particles gathered high in the atmosphere above the Province, eventually falling in small droplets known as ‘rain’. The disaster struck after almost two weeks of almost uninterrupted sunshine,

saltedcaramel

All food brands to have a ‘salted caramel’ flavour by 2018

There was widespread excitement amongst people who eat stuff today, as news emerged that global food manufacturers are busy working on new ‘salted caramel’ and ‘peanut butter’ versions of all their products. “Making stuff salty and sweet is the hottest new trend in food!” explained leading food critic, Ella Salmon. “My kids won’t touch anything now unless it comes in these

nolanheartattach

Northern Irish politics ‘a major cause of heart disease’ say doctors

Taking even a passing interest in the political debates in Northern Ireland can have a dramatic effect on your health, according to a new study produced by clinicians at the Belfast Hospital for Sensible People. According to the research, people who read local newspapers or watch television programmes such as Stephen Nolan’s latest shitstorm ‘The

toplessspide

63% of NI men currently shirtless, say police

As Ulster enjoys an almost unprecedented fifth day of sunshine, police have confirmed that two-thirds of NI men are currently wearing nothing above the waist bar a watch they bought in Santa Ponsa one year. “Our officer’s body-cams utilise high-tech imaging software” explained Bobby Peeler from the PSNI’s Quare n Powerful Yokes Division. “aside from facial recognition of known criminals, we can also detect the outline

Quare-Drying-Weather

‘Thon’s quare drying weather’, reveal mums

Local mums lost the run of themselves today as news emerged that it was perfect weather for drying stuff. “I was so lured after I seen the weather forecast this morning!” Tyrone mammy Sian Mills told us. “I’d three loads of washing done by lunchtime, but it dried that quick I put them all on for a second cycle there, just to make sure.” Her

marathon3

Belfast relay runners outraged as event named the “Fun-Sized Marathon”

Thousands of people who completed a small section of today’s Belfast Marathon were left even more red-faced today after Belfast City Council officially branded their category the “Fun-Sized Marathon”. The move has created major embarrassment for lots of these entrants, many of whom have been feverishly posting fitness related social media updates that gives the distinct impression they are the next Paula Radcliffe or

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