The Guardian newspaper today declared that Belfast is the best city for tourists in the UK. We’re always doing our bit to help out visitors, so here’s 10 activities that they just might enjoy.
Join the wacky races at Divis
Enjoy the authentic Divis Hoods experience as a local spide teaches you how to hijack the car of your choice and ram it into the railings of the local Primary School.
Add some graffiti to a peace wall
Belfast people love it when tourists come to stare at the peace walls and then leave a patronising message about living without barriers.
Window shopping in Victoria Square
We encourage you to come and peruse the up market boutiques at Belfast’s largest wind tunnel. Feel your way around Hollister and ‘enjoy’ whatever shit radio road show is on that day. Only window shopping is advised due to the prices.
Go crane spotting
We’re so proud of our big yella cranes at Harlan and Woof. Come and join us as we gawk up and remember the good aul days when Belfast was thriving in sectarianism and built big sinking things.
Black Taxi Tours
Take a taxi tour round the Shankill and Falls with an ex prisoner and let him bore you with his one sided knowledge of the troubles.
Go camping
For cheap accommodation why not stay at the Twaddell Protest Camp. Handy for backpackers, it’s located close to the city centre in the city’s thriving culture wars quarter
Visit Botanic Garden’s heroin market
This largely kept quiet location is the place to be if you’re an addict looking for your next fix. Just be careful or you’ll bump into a hipster or a pensioner eating a poke, if you do you should ring the PSNI.
Museums
Kill half an hour by visiting The Ulster Museum and the Ulster Folk and Transport Museum. But not on a Monday or public holiday because it’s closed.
Bars and Clubs
Enjoy an overpriced half pint of your favourite tipple at one of Belfast’s hundreds of bars. But not after 11pm or on a Sunday because we’re a God fearing city and ye shall be judged.
Tour of Stormont
Parliament Buildings are open for tours every day of the week. Come and see where rights are denied and bigotry is enshrined in law. Don’t forget to complete your expenses form on the way out.