Drive in church services will cost twice what you thought and your car still won’t start afterwards

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Consumer groups have expressed concern that the various religious denominations around the country are “likely to stick the arm in” if they start doing drive-in church services.

“Many mechanics can’t operate fully due to the Covid-19 restrictions, so it seems that churches may be able to set their own prices,” says Hester Random, from local motoring magazine What Yoke.

“We’ve even had reports of unscrupulous clergy charging £20.00 quid just to put holy water in the windscreen washer.”

The Ulster Fry spent this morning driving round churches to see how much it’d cost to service our 1996 Ford Fiesta Ghia, and got a wide range of prices.

“Oooo, I don’t like the sound of that!” said the Rector of St. Brian the Brake Specialist’s Church in East Belfast. “Sounds to me like your ball joints are banjaxed. You can leave it in next Tuesday, and I’ll have it back with you inside a month, £300 quid plus labour, best I can do.”

“It’s hard to get parts for these yokes nowadays,” claimed the priest from The Church of the Immaculate Suspension in the west of the city. “I can ask around, Father Molloy is running a scrapyard behind the Cathedral, but you’re still looking at £500, minimum.”

“You’d be better off scrapping it, I can get you a Micra for a grand, 40,000 miles on it, was owned by a nun who only used it on a Wednesday.”

Like on proper consumer programmes, we planned to take our car to a decent mechanic to see how much the work should really cost, but it broke down on the Shore Road and we had to get a taxi.

“It’s double fares at the moment, cos of the Corona Virus,” said our driver, Sister Assumpta from ValleluiaCabs.

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