Coronavirus pandemic over, say selfish twats


COVID-19 has been defeated and everyone can now go back to normal. explained everyone who attended street parties or drove to packed beauty spots to celebrate the end of the coronavirus pandemic.

“It’s great to finally get back to normal, everyday life ” explained, 34 year old, Hugh Tuber from Belfast, as he met up with 28 of his closest friends to celebrate everything going back to exactly the way it was before.

“It was lovely to catchup with everyone without the hassle of that aul social distancing melarkey we did back in the olden days!”

People all over the country swiftly got together, after the government eased the lockdown restrictions just enough for people to completely lose the run of themselves.

“It was technically only supposed to be ‘business-as-usual’ for car showrooms, furniture stores and open-air markets” explained Tory trendsetter, Dominic Cummings.

“However if you all drive to a muckers street, circle your cars, bring out some kitchen chairs and get wired into a carryout… ye are kinda doing them all three at once really! Aren’t ye?” as winked, he attended a close friend’s street party in Aberdeen.

However not everyone is celebrating.

“It was a hoax anyway!” explained 41 year old Derry man, Tim Foyle. “Thousands of people were supposed to die in Northern Ireland, but sure everyone has been sitting at home for months now, alive and well. It’s a loada shite”

The news was welcomed by Bill Gates however, who celebrated by driving over to Jeff Bezos house to drink a bag of cans at his new $4.7m firepit.

“Is that the drum of an aul washing machine?” he was overheard asking the Amazon supremo, before our surveillance satellite passed out of orbit.

For reference, the government’s latest guidelines are: