With the election round the corner, it is hard for the ordinary voter to decide which party to back. Up and down the country, folk are asking themselves questions like “Should I vote Sinn Fein or TUV? How am I supposed to decide?” Luckily here at the Ulster Fry we’ve done the thinking for you – and have come up with a handy two part guide to the history and policies of all the main parties.
So, in alphabetical order….
1. The Alliance
The Alliance Party was formed in 1923 at a coffee morning organised by the North Down Middle Class Ladies Association. Their main policy is that everyone should stop slagging each other and all settle down to live in peace and harmony. To that end they made Naomi Long climb up City Hall and nick the flag, which they now use as a table cloth during party meetings.
They also like integrating schools. This would allow little Protestant children and little Catholic children the opportunity to fail together. Its current leader is Harrison Ford.
2. The Conservative Party
The Conservative Party is an English party led by an old Etonian, David Cameron, and so have no business standing here. Like the DUP and the UUP, they want to preserve the United Kingdom. To that end they have spent the last 30 years pissing off the Scottish so much that lots of them want to leave it. They also enjoy hunting with dogs, hunting dogs, eating dogs, and avoiding tax.
3. The Democratic Unionist Party
The DUP are now the largest of the Unionist parties. Formed in either the 1960s or the 1970s by the Rev Big Ian Dr Paisley, it was originally established to give Free Presbyterians something to do during the week. Its new leader is Arlene Foster, who left the UUP because they were going to share power with Sinn Fein. Now she is sharing power with Sinn Fein.
The DUP wants Northern Ireland to be part of the UK, so tries to make it as different to the rest of the UK as possible. Its main policies are insulting people, hunting Gay people with dogs and making sure all of their elected representatives are related to each other.
4. The Green Party
The Green Party’s main policies are building wind farms, making everyone recycle their bicycles and telling us all to save water. This makes sense in deserts, but not in Desertmartin. It is led by Steven Agnew, who is very, very small.
5. The Independents
Thesuns aren’t really a political party, mostly they are people who fell out with real parties and are just standing for the craic. Our favourite independent is Jonny Orr in Lagan Valley. We like him because he wants to give Lisburn a boot up the hole and we approve of people getting a boot up the hole.
That’s the first few….
Click here for Part two to learn all about the SDLP, Sinn Fein, the TUV, Ulster Unionists, and UKIP