Following the news that South Korean politicians have been bribing elderly voters by offering them viagra, it has emerged that parties here are also using drugs as inducements to woo voters.
“We call them performance enhancing drugs,” we were told by a DUP insider. “In the old days it might be a pint of stout or a sausage roll, now you might need viagra to help you get an election.”
Shockingly Sinn Fein agreed with their rivals admitting that they’d been offering voters laxatives for years. “The brutal truth is that we ran out of shite to talk years ago” admitted a party source. “So we’ve been relying on our electorate for inspiration”. He went onto elaborate, but he totally ripped the hole out of it.
Alliance leader David Ford at first tried to deny any involvement in the scandal, then admitted that his party regularly uses pile cream to butter up potential supporters. “We need it for all that sitting on the fence we do,” he said, “although at this time of year it’s also a bonus to be up the arses of the electorate.”
The SDLP on the other hand have handing out out anti-depressants door-to-door. “After Hume retired things were pretty bleak” admitted Colum Eastwood. “It was nearly impossible to get through one of our election broadcasts without wanting to buck yourself off the Foyle bridge. Thankfully though the future is looking bright with me at the helm… especially since I switched everyone over to tanning tablets!”
Meanwhile the UUP admitted they usually wait to see what the DUP offer voters, then they’ll prescribe exactly the same thing… only in a different colour.
Only the Greens have denied offering drugs to the electorate. “That’d be a waste, man”, said a spokesman, as he giggled uncontrollably and rolled a fat one