Politicians prepare to get back to doing nothing


After spending several days discussing the rights and wrongs of the life of Martin McGuinness, local politicians have agreed to end their ceasefire and return to the important business of failing to reach an agreement on the way forward at Stormont.

“It is important that we preserve Martin’s legacy,” said Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams at a party meeting last night. “This is best achieved by prevaricating at the talks for a few days til the whole thing goes to shit. Then we’ll just demand joint authority, which suits me for I reckon we might get into government down south.”

“Then we’ll be in charge anyway, and can do whatever the feck we want without even having to ask the DUP – the daft hurs.”

Former First Minister Arlene Foster admitted that her party was too stupid to see what was coming.

“It’s a bit like Brexit,” she told us. “It was pretty obvious to anyone with half a brain that it would have a massively destabilising effect on the union, both here and in Scotland, but we just thought, F**k it, the Leave campaign has a flag on it and Europeans are all foreign.”

Fortunately the parties have until Monday to sort all this out, which will give Sinn Fein time to mention Martin McGuinness’s legacy 542 times and allow the DUP three days to talk about not being told what to do by Sinn Fein.

No one is sure what happens after that, but with Article 50 due to be triggered on Wednesday we’re can all rest assured that it is at the forefront of Theresa May’s mind.