Civil servants have revealed an audacious plan to raise money from the never-ending talks at Stormont, by allowing voters to call a special “dirty” phone line and listen in to the politicians at work.
“These talks have been going on for ages, and no one seems to have a clue what’s going on,” we were told by a senior civil servant. “At the same time there’s feck all cash for hospitals and schools, so this kills two birds with one stone.”
“Anyone who fancies a bit of hot political action just has to call our 0898 number, then they can listen to all the dirty chat of their favourite politicians.”
The Ulster Fry was lucky enough to get to test the new service, and needless to say we selected DUP leader Arlene Foster first.
“Substantial issues remain to be resolved,” she breathed down the phone. “Hard… hot…. throbbing…. substantial issues.”
Unsurprisingly, Gerry Adams answered when we tried to listen to Sinn Féin’s Northern Commander Michelle O’Neill.
“I’ve got a huge mandate,” he moaned. “No one else’s mandate is as big as mine.”
“Look at my lovely mandate, don’t look at anyone else’s mandate, look at my mandate, feel my mandate,” he continued, before repeating the same phrase in a language similar to Irish.
However Secretary of State James Brokenshire’s number was the most revealing, as we overheard him in conversation with Theresa May.
“I know I’ve been a very naughty boy, Mrs May,” he sobbed over the sound of a swishing cane. “Please can I come back to London? I promise to never be naughty again.”