“Stormont not corrupt, just incompetent,” reassures RHI report


    “These lads are just the people to be in charge during the Coronavirus crisis”, the RHI inquiry has found.

    The inquiry’s report has found that nobody involved in administering the scheme seemed to have a clue what they were doing, and that then Finance Minister Arlene Foster couldn’t be arsed reading the regulations before she presented them to Stormont.

    “This is reassuring news for everyone in Northern Ireland,” said DUP MLA Ashley Cash. “The report has concluded that we’re not corrupt, just incompetent, so we won’t take bribes from the Coronavirus, just ignore all the danger signs and carry on regardless.”

    The news comes after deputy First Minister Michelle O’Neill guessed which way the wind was blowing and decided to take a punt on closing local schools, a change of approach which will reassure everyone that we have a joined up approach to the crisis.

    However Arlene Foster has revealed she is also looking into an alternative solution to the problem.

    “RHI has proved that ignoring experts is the way forward, so after several long and gruelling minutes of research online, and using reliable data from the opinions of random strangers on social media, I’ve discovered a theory that the Coronavirus can be destroyed by fire!”

    “I’ll thus be recommending that the Executive put in place a new scheme, one in which we burn all the germs in massive boilers.”

    “I’m calling it the Remarkable Health Initiative.”