“No new cases of political leadership detected at Stormont,” say scientists


Medical experts working at Stormont have moved to reassure the public that they have thoroughly tested our MLAs and have found no evidence of the dreaded Leadership-Virus.

With the people of the province eagerly awaiting sensible guidance on how we can best protect and support each other through the Covid-19 crisis, some observers suggested that our politicians may accidentally contract Leaderships skills.

However, these latest test results have confirmed that many of our MLAs are immune to that particular virus, and their divisive bickering skills remain healthy.

In the absence of any coordinated response from Stormont, numerous Covid-19 support groups have sprung up on social media, inevitably leading to Ballywhatsit Corona Group vying for members with the Corona Group of Ballywhatsit.

Meanwhile half the country’s pensioners are wandering around looking for toilet roll, unsure of whether they’ll be arrested for being out of their homes.

Bizarrely, Northern Ireland’s divided society should be well placed to quickly develop community support networks, says virus expert Professor Lynn Jection.

“We have things like the GAA and Orange Order, who’ll be well aware which of their members are vulnerable, as well as relatively high church attendance,” she explained. “Such organisations have cross-generational memberships, so the young can help the old.”

“But instead of providing leadership, our MLAs have somehow turned this crisis into a political football, which will further feed the public concern.”

“Of course it’s OK for them, they’ve just come off a three year period of self-isolation, on full pay, so they know what to expect. The rest of us will just have to wing it.”