Stormont talks fail to break crisp sandwich deadlock


The on-going talks at Stormont are in crisis once again, with an argument between Sinn Fein and the DUP over which crisp makes the best sandwich the latest problem, the Ulster Fry understands.

The issue has become a major sticking point between the two largest parties, with Sinn Fein insisting that pickled onion Monster Munch on white bread is superior to the DUP’s suggestion, Tayto cheese and onion in a bap.

“The situation appears hopeless,” says BBC political correspondent Mark Davenportrush. “We almost had agreement on Walker’s Prawn Cocktail but this deal collapsed over DUP fears that the pink packets could be used to promote some kind of Gay agenda.”

“To be fair, they are rank.”

Even the smaller parties have been unable to come to an agreement.

“The Alliance have insisted that Barbecue flavour Pringles are superior, ” says Davenportrush, “but the UUP and SDLP have ruled them out, saying that tubular stacking snacks shouldn’t be considered crisps for sandwich making purposes.”

The new leader of the UUP Steve Aiken actually fell out with his own colleagues at one point, after he was observed eating Thai Sweet Chilli McCoys between two slices of Nutty Krust, going against his party’s preferred option of Bacon Frazzles with Veda and cheese.

At time of going to press, no agreement has been reached. There may be other issues under debate, like language acts, the Petition of Concern and the RHI scandal, but after three years our pish is sickened with all that, and crisp sandwiches are important.