Pensioner charged with holding up bank in day of courtroom drama


A 68-year-old man appeared in Ballywalter Crown Court today charged with a hold up at the town’s only cash point.

Retired food poisoner Albert Clock was accused of holding up no fewer than 32 other customers who wished to use the machine, due to repeated failures to remember his PIN number.

“My client was in a confused state and deeply regrets his actions,” claimed his solicitor Milton Steriliser, “although in his defence he thought it was a call box and was trying to phone his wife.”

Mr Clock was fined £200 for the offence, but was later rearrested after causing a 3-hour delay while attempting to withdraw the money.

Facebook photo fury

Two women were hauled before Ardglass Magistrates Court today charged with affray after an argument ended in a street brawl.

The court heard that the incident centred around a photograph taken on a night out, after which Kilkeel woman Shezza Poser allegedly went round to the house of her former best friend, Imma Aaliyah, and kicked her door in for tagging her in what she says was a ‘minging Facebook photo.’

Representing herself, an angry Poser told the court she only gripped her friend down by the hair because she deliberately showed her friends list an unflattering photo where she looked like a reprobate.

Judgement has been deferred pending a girl’s night out in Belfast.

Ballymoney Man ‘in the shit’ with judge.

A 47-year-old Ballymoney man who has been constipated for 48 hours appeared before magistrates at the Cullybacky Supreme Court today charged with not giving two shites.

“If it was one shite and I could probably look the other way,” admitted Judge Chester Steamer as he passed sentence. “But to not give TWO is an affront to this court”

The accused has a track record of this kind of behaviour having previously been found guilty of not giving a flying f**k.