“No one has bought a new gift bag since 2004”, admit retailers

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Stocks of gift bags in NI’s shops have remained unchanged for almost 15 years according to a new report, which claims Ulster’s gift industry relies entirely on the blackmarket trade of second-hand bags which eternally change hands.

“Have you seen the price of the f**kers?” moaned Belfast woman, Aine Birthday. “Ye couldn’t houl out to them! I throw all the ones I get into the back of the hot-press and hoke them out whenever I need em to give other people stuff!”

This was a view shared by neighbour, Philomena Begless. “As long as no-one has written on the wee cardboard yoke attached to the string handle, yer laffing” she told us. “Or ye don’t give someone a birthday present in one that says ‘Happy Christmas’ on it” she laughed.

Boffins at Queen’s University have been tracking the migration of gift bags across the world for several years now, and claim they are closely related to wild Canadian red salmon, which also make the remarkable journey home every few years.

“A couple of years ago I saw the President of Botswana on TV giving a present to the Queen in a gift bag my auntie Doris gave me years earlier.” explained researcher Carrie McPressie. “Then at Christmas I got it back from my sister with the wee label still on it. The Queen had scribbled out the Botswana guy’s name and put ‘For Phil from Liz on it instead’.”

“Schoolboy error that one,” says Begless, “Everyone knows you’ve to┬ácut the wee label off it, otherwise you look like a tight hur.”

We tried to contact the Queen for comment but her footman told us that she was too busy tippexing out her name on a load of birthday cards.

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