An idiot’s guide to the new Covid restrictions

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Boris has wheeled out a new list of measures to deal with the Covid 19 crisis, which means that Stormont has followed suit. Here’s an idiot’s guide to help them more clear for everyone

Wearing a mask is not compulsory.

Everyone knows that masks are useless. My mate in the pub told me that he has the coronavirus and he was wearing a mask when he got it from his mate even though his mate wasn’t wearing a mask. Instead of wearing a mask, you can protect yourself by shouting loudly about how you’re not going to wear a mask and commenting about it on The Newsletter facebook page.

If you do wear a mask.

Make sure that your nose hangs over the top of it and take it off to shout at people.

Limits on funerals.

There is no limit on the number of people who can attend a funeral if, and only if, the deceased person is a senior republican. If the deceased is a junior republican, then the number of mourners will be restricted to 2,500. For everyone else it’s probably about 12, but that’s not important.

Limits on other social gatherings.

There is no limit on the number of people who can gather if they’re outside and wearing shorts. Such meetings should take place in the street and involve blocking the entire pavement. Please stand as close together as possible but leave a gap of approx 2 feet for other pavement users to squeeze through.

You can’t catch the Coronavirus in a pub.

As our mate in the pub (above) explained earlier, he got the Corona Virus from his mate and they weren’t in the pub. So it’s OK to go to pubs.

But why can I go to the pub and not to my mate’s house?

Just ignore that bit. Go to the pub THEN go to your mates house. Alcohol kills the virus so you’ll be well on by then.

Limits on travel.

It is OK to travel as far as you want, but only if it’s really necessary. “Really necessary” includes going to the golf club, having a dander round the shops because you might fancy a new pair of shoes and going to amusement arcades.

Young people can’t catch the virus so they can do anything they want.

They can only spread it around other people, so it’s still safe for large groups of young people to continue to gather round bus stations trying to get off with each other, scratching their balls and occasionally spitting on the pavement.

The schools are open.

If it’s OK for 30 kids to be in a room then go home then it’s OK for you to go to your mate’s house for a party with all the parents. That’s just common sense.

Sammy Wilson can’t catch the virus.

He’s immune to it, as are all his constituents.

Try to stay up-to-date with the latest developments.

Make sure you don’t take stuff so-called experts like scientists, medical professionals and epidemiologists say at face value. Hoke around the internet til you find something you kind of agree with then become an expert yourself. This article seems like a good place to start.

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