In the light of the recent spate of racially motivated attacks in Belfast, the Department of Justice has announced plans to re-designate racist, sectarian and homophobic ‘hate crimes’ as ‘dickhead crimes’ for future prosecutions.
Unveiling the plans, Alliance Minister David Fjord told reporters “For most people in a civilised society, being accused of something so appalling as a ‘hate crime’ would be deeply shameful, but this is Northern Ireland we’re talking about. Many criminal elements here would sadly see being accused of a ‘hate crime’ as a badge of honour. Thus by rebranding their actions as ‘dickheads crimes’ we aim to remove the kudos involved.”
It is hoped that the changes will finally bring home some negative implications for hate crime perpetrators as their pictures are printed in local newspapers leaving court alongside headlines such as ‘Man charged with being a complete dickhead’ and ‘Suspected dickhead convicted of being an absolute dickhead’
The move is the first in part of a wider criminal re-branding scheme planned by justice chiefs. The charge “drunk and disorderly” will be renamed “acting the complete arsehole”, joyriding will be renamed “being a wee c**t who can’t afford a car” and “burglary” will rebranded “taking other people’s stuff because you’re a wanker who can’t be arsed doing a day’s work and buying it yourself.”
The move follows the latest senseless attack on a nail salon in East Belfast, where criminals caused fire damage and daubed racist abuse on the wall. “We have our suspicions about which alleged dickheads were involved” said officer Jim Peeler of the East Belfast Dickhead Detection Unit. “Rest assured, once we find them, they’ll be getting punished within the full extent of the law.”
“And a good boot up the hole too.” he added.