“We’ll respect Irish border”, says coronavirus

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Following the news that Northern Ireland will keep pretending the coronavirus isn’t happening whilst the Republic goes on lockdown – COVID19 has urged people not to worry, as it ‘totally respects’ the Irish border.

“We don’t want to violate the terms of the Good Friday Agreement,” explained a sample of the virus we found on a Translink bus pole earlier.

“Plus we don’t really get along with our southern cousins. They have weird lukin traffic lights and too many road tolls. Ye’d need to be worth a clean fortune to travel there, so we’ll definitely be keeping ourselves up North!”

“Anyway, ats us nai!” he added, as he left on the hand of a disembarking commuter.

The news will come as a great relief to many in the Republic, who had feared that the lockdown’s effectiveness would be minimised because the top of the island left the back door laying wide to the world.

“Relieved to hear the nasty Northern coronavirus won’t be coming south!” said relieved Clare woman, Clare Woman. “I’ve heard it’s far more dangerous. Apparently if you give it the wrong name it gives you 24 hours to self-isolate.”

The DUP have welcomed the development, whilst Sinn Fein criticised the coronavirus for not infecting people on an all-Ireland basis.

Rumours that Republican biochemists were now working on a new strain of the virus that only infects the Brits has been denied.

“I have never made COVID-1916” said Gerry Adams from his secret underground laboratory.

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