Describing things as ‘socially distanced’ stops coronavirus

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Prefixing stuff with the phrase ‘socially distanced’ helps stop the spread of the coronavirus, it has been discovered.

“As long as you are abundantly clear that you are doing a ‘socially distanced’ version of something, the virus gets confused and stays dormant!” explained WHO* spokesperson, Vera-Lynn Fetchen

“So if you want to meet people for a coffee, a walk or to skull a dozen cans in the garden, you still can still do it safely, as long you always type the words ‘socially distanced’ it before when sending out the invites.”

“Just in case they think you mean doing it the old fashioned way” she added.

The discovery has been welcomed by the entire population of planet Earth, who have thankfully been doing it for weeks already.

“Look! I’ve been meeting friends for ‘socially distanced barbecues’, ‘socially distanced garden parties’ and ‘socially distanced cups of tea’ for weeks now” beamed Betty Swallocks from Portadown as she scrolled through dozens of photos of her hugging people, drunk. “It really works!”

The government have also welcomed the news, as it complements their plan to keep themselves safe should a second wave come.

“Is it 2m or 1m? Do I even actually care anymore? Is it even real? ” These are the questions the public are asking themselves.” explained Boris Johnson.

“Whilst we all search for answers, I want to assure everyone, no matter what happens next. No matter what is yet to come – it’ll all be your fault!”

“So stay alert” he added.

* Warrenpoint Housewives Organisation

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