There’s turmoil in the financial markets, politicians are resigning left, right and centre, and no one seems to know whether we’re in, out or kinda half way out with our mammy saying you can’t go without a coat. However there are things we can all do to lessen the impact of the crisis – here’s our guide to help you survive.
Get drunk:
Everything looks better when you’re in the pub, but unfortunately this is likely to be more expensive as European booze will go up in price. However we can still drink English wines and beers like Concorde and Carling – and of course there’s always Buckfast.
Holiday at home:
It’s now going to cost a bomb to go abroad so it’ll be cheaper to stay here and sit in a caravan looking at rain. You can still have a good time of course, visiting places like Craigavon and enjoying the traffic.
Get a bike:
Normally the Ulster Fry wouldn’t advocate this as it involves exercise, but it looks like fuel will be much dearer because of the weak pound and increased tax to help pay for farmers. You’ll probably look shit in Lycra but cycling will save you a clean fortune in the Brexitpocalypse, although a bike isn’t great for running over the inevitable zombies.
Eat local food:
Like drink, foreign food is probably going to get more expensive so save money by avoiding fancy European meals like French fries and pasta and eat chips and spaghetti hoops instead.
Don’t get old:
Old people voted Leave in big numbers but they’ll be facing falling pensions and higher prices. It’ll also be harder for retired folk to escape by going to Spain, in fact the chances are the ones living there will get sent back home to suffer from chronic Sangria withdrawal. Best to die before retirement or you’ll be a burden.
Move to Strabane:
Economists are predicting a drop of up to 10% in average house prices in the coming months. If you live in London or North Down this equates to £50,000 so if you move to Strabane now you’ll only lose £12.43.
Get an Irish Passport:
Having an Irish passport means you’ll be able to act like a European when travelling, though you’ll have to pretend to like their Tayto when you’re going through customs. Any Unionists troubled by getting one can tippex the word ‘Northern’ above ‘Ireland’ on the front, then slip it into a British passport cover.
Above all – don’t panic. Boris will be in charge soon and everything will be probably be fine, although hopefully you’ll be drunk to notice..