“Most of world’s plastic now in your cupboards” says UN

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The Secretary-General of the United Nations Ban Ki-Moon has raised fears that the world will soon run out of plastic, because you have most of it in your kitchen.

“Our inspectors have been secretly examining the homes of people in Northern Ireland,” said Mr Ban, “and we have found that you have all been collecting an inordinate amount of plastic tat in your kitchen cupboards. If this hoarding does not stop, the world will run out of plastic by 2021.”

According to the UN report, the average Northern Irish family now has 347 “bags for life” lurking under their kitchen sinks, crammed inside another, larger ‘bag for life’. That’s enough plastic to make a staggering 743 Lego mini-figures. “Add to this your love of collecting old Chinese takeaway cartons and it’s a recipe for disaster,” the Secretary-General explained.

“It’s all very well thinking ‘I might use these to keep a few left-over baked beans’,” he said, “but you never f**king do! You end up cramming them all into that cupboard in the corner and then losing all the lids. Even if you do put beans in them, they end up going mouldy in the fridge and you chuck the whole lot out.”

Mr Ban then went on to explain the likely consequences of this waste of resources. “If this does not stop soon, we will be forced to stop making things out of plastic and make ‘bags for life’ and takeaway containers out of wood. That is not feasible, since you’d just collect lots of wooden shite instead and we’d have no rainforest left by Christmas 2023.”

In a separate report due to be released tomorrow, the European Union International Resources Committee will reveal that 54% of the world’s fluff is under your sofa.

 

 

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