Employers and managers up and down the country have a strange notion that their employees will actually do their jobs today, despite the fact that it is quite clearly Friday, The Ulster Fry has learned.
The news will come as a shock to their staff who fully intend to get through the day doing as little as possible, aside from talking shit and thinking about their hair.
“We have a big order due next week,” said printing company director Constance Pressure, “I expect all of our team members to be on the top of their game today.”
“Will we f**k?” was the bemused reaction of her design assistant Lessie Hallion. “We have to pick our teams for tomorrow’s bet, and Barry’s talking about getting a couple of pints in at lunchtime. Any designing shite I do after that wouldn’t be worth selling anyway. She should just send us all home at 12.”
Civil Service Staff Officer Jessica Fluke-Promotion says she’ll spend the morning running around the office shouting about getting targets met, but her staff know different.
“No chance,” says junior Admin Assistant Morgan Jobsworth, “I always do F**k all on a Friday, and a Monday. I sometimes do something vaguely approaching work on a Wednesday but only if someone’s looking. Today I’ll mostly be talking to people about my dog.”
According to the Office of National Statistics, a staggering 1.4 billion man hours are lost each year by employees doing as little as possible on a Friday.
“Therefore there’s no point in anyone going to work, and we should all have a three day weekend,” admitted a spokesman.