Experts at Larne School of Economics have studied the shopping habits of the people of Northern Ireland and declared that we all have enough stuff in to survive the Corona Virus, an asteroid strike and a zombie apocalypse rolled into one.
“There is simply no need to go to the shops anymore,” says Professor Emmet T Shelf from the LSE Department of the F**king Obvious. “The only thing you’re likely to get now is bread with 2 days less on the sell by date than the four you already have, and Covid-19.”
The report comes as people continue to pile into cars to wander aimlessly round supermarkets staring at empty shelves, in the forlorn hope that some kind of hand wash angel will have appeared during the night and stocked them up with sanitizer.
“This is pointless,” says Professor Shelf. “There is nothing to be gained from driving several miles to get stuff you can order on-line from most local food shops now, except to make yourself feel like you’re doing something.”
“Everyone needs to stay home, and pretend it’s Christmas without the annoying relatives. Just wrap some socks and pass them to each other and you’re landed.”
“The only people out now should be the ones picking up food for self-isolating folk and those who have to go to work on Monday. “
“Seriously everyone, wind your necks in. There’s enough to go round. Stay indoors, watch shite telly, read a book and accidentally sexually harass yourself.”
This has been a public service announcement on behalf of The Ulster Fry.