‘Get blocked to boost economy’, says NI university

654

Drunk people across Northern Ireland are celebrating this evening after the University of Ulster revealed that getting wrote aff during Euro 2016 will not only be good craic, it will also provide a massive boost to the economy.

Experts at the university have apparently done some kind of calculation, and have worked out that both Irish teams qualifying for the tournament is worth over £8 million for local businesses, mostly made up of booze and crisps.

The news has led First Minister Arlene Foster to set aside her normal attitude to the evils of drink. “If we can scoop 8 million by getting just some of us getting snattered for 3 weeks, we should be able to make a F**k lot more if we all get blocked for a full year,” she told us. “I’d do the sum but I’m too pissed and can’t be arsed, to be honest.”

Unsurprisingly the drinkers we spoke to have welcomed the change in government policy. “This is class,” said shop assistant Barry Short.  “I only came out for a couple of pints after work, but I’ve just phoned the wife and told her I’ll be on the sauce til Tuesday, purely so I can help the country out of austerity.”

23 year old Fiona Pitcher took a similar view. “I always thought hangovers and stuff were bad for the economy, but this proves I can spend the weekend on the Breezers then phone in sick on Monday, and still be a productive member of society,” she explained, before putting her head back down the toilet.

However union leader Bumper Carr says workers could soon find themselves exploited in the new regime.

“We’ll be demanding talks with the Department of Finance,” he told us between shots, “If they expect us to do all this economy boosting at the weekend we’ll be looking time and a half’un, then it’ll be doubles time on a Sunday.”

301 Shares

Comments

comments