New Belfast chippy baffled by influx of creeps & perverts


A new takeaway opened by two Turkish businessmen has been forced to close after being inundated with creeps and perverts.

“Plenty Of Fish” in West Belfast, which offers a huge selection of battered seafood dishes, told us they were ‘horrified’ to discover that most of their customers were middle-aged men determined to show their female staff photos of their dick.

“What the actual f**k?” raged co-owner Albuk Yerma. “Men come in and it start off normal, but after some polite chit chat with our girls, they whoops out photo of their wanger and asks if she is ‘up for the ride’!”

The female staff subsequently quit, forcing Albuk and his business partner to work the counter themselves – but that didn’t go well either.

“We put up sign saying ‘Only Male Staff Work Here Now’” explained co-founder, Yermas Yerda. “But new women customers also creeps!” he sighed.

“When they first place order, they all look young, beautiful and sexy, but when food is ready and we call number, big heavy older looking lady with a vague resemblance comes to collect it, expects free meal, calls us ‘shallow bastards’ when we refuse!”

However whilst sex crazed 40 somethings were a huge problem for the shop, it seems shoplifting youths were the final nail in the coffin.

“The young wans have no interest in Plenty Of Fish” sighed Albuk. “The wee bastards just come and swipe stuff left and right instead.”

One customer agreed to explain the mysterious creepy behaviour to us, but we lost any interest in speaking to them when they started the conversation by asking, ‘Hey, how’s you?’.