10 (other) Catholic things that Protestants should never say


So it seems the Orange Order has advised Protestants to avoid saying Rest in Peace on the grounds that it’s a Catholic thing and not Biblical.

That got us to thinking what other things Catholics come out with that should be banned for Prods. Here’s 10 we came up with.

  1. “Jesus, Mary and Joseph”: A traditional Catholic expression of surprise, often followed by “would ye look at the arse on that?”.
  2. “Anyone up for a big game of Gaelic Football after Mass?”: Protestants should never say this. They should say “Anyone up for a big old game of proper football the day before that new pastor preaches in the gospel hall?”
  3. “The crisps in Dublin are far nicer than the ones at home”: Mr Free State Tayto is an immoral charlatan sent by Satan to draw children to his evil ways.
  4. “North of Ireland”: Protestants must only say Northern Ireland, which is different from the North of Ireland. They can also say Ulster, which is different from Northern Ireland but is the same as the North of Ireland. They definitely can’t say Occupied Six Counties.
  5. “Who fancies a pint this Sunday afternoon while we all watch some sort of sport?”: This is wrong on so many levels.
  6.  “Derry”: Goes without saying so don’t say it, at least not in front of themuns.
  7. “I’m just heading out for a Sunday walk without my hat”: Going out for a walk on a Sunday is fine, but ladies must wear hats AT ALL TIMES.
  8. “Tea Cake”: Tea cakes and other such individually baked confectioneries are fundamentally unbiblical. Protestants should only eat tray-bakes, as these are in Matthew, Chapter 5, v 6, when our Lord fed 5000 people with a rake of Caramel Squares.
  9. “Holy Mary Mother of God would you ever turn that music down ye wee shite?”:  This was once a common Catholic phrase used when speaking to teenage children. Increasingly it has been replaced with “Holy Mary and all the angels do you ever take those f**king earphones out?”
  10. “Haitch from Steps”: It’s Aitch, although to be honest we asked him once on Twitter and he never replied one way or the other.