5K to Couch: The Ulster Fry guide to getting out of shape


It’s the Belfast marathon tomorrow, and lots of folk have been preparing for the fun runs and relays that go along with the big event itself.

As a result everyone’s Facebook timeline is full of normally lazy hallions angling after sponsorship for waddling a few miles, but that leaves a big question – how will they get back to their normal lardiness after all that hard training?

We’ve been talking to Ulster Fry ‘fatness guru’ Mister Procrastinator and he’s come up with a few pointers.

Eat a balanced diet.

“Following the Ulster Fry 5K to Couch® diet plan is a key part of getting out of shape,” he says. “A fried breakfast will set you up for the day, with a lunchtime top-up of sausage rolls to keep you ticking over. Teatime is chippy time, but don’t forget those all important crisp based snacks in between. Also, remember that you need at least 5 beers a day – wine also counts, but only the fortified monastic variety.”

Get a Fatbit™

The Fatbit™ works a bit like those Fitbit yokes, measuring key data such the number of steps you take, your heart rate and your sleep patterns – however the Fatbit™ issues warnings when you’re in danger of walking too far and wakes you up in the middle of the night to remind you to eat a pastie. Available soon from the Ulster Fry shap at a bargain price of £299.99, excluding postage, packing and instructions.

Build up your lack of stamina.

“Sitting on your hole is vital,” Mr Procrastinator explains, “but it’s important to take it slowly or you’ll risk injury. Start off sitting in an armchair for short periods, then move on to lying on the couch. Your body will naturally tell you when you reach your hole sitting peak by making you to stay in bed eating Haribo while watching Homes Under the Hammer.”

Download a load of TV Box Sets. 

Even the laziest among us can get bored during periods of intensive training, so Mr Procrastinator advises a solid library of classic television. “Game of Thrones is my favourite,” he told us, “It has diddies in it and everything.”

Finally: never give up!

Sooner or later everyone hits the wall and accidentally gets some motivation to do healthy activities. “Don’t yield to temptation,” says our man. “That piece of fruit could be the first step on a slippery slope towards exercise. Some fitness gurus say pain is temporary but glory is forever, but I say pain is the French word for bread so go and make a crisp sandwich.”