84 people injured by massive umbrellas in Belfast City Centre

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Nearly 100 people have been hospitalised in Belfast due to injuries caused by massive golf umbrellas in the past two days, The Ulster Fry has learned.

With injuries ranging from minor cuts right through to fully poked out eyes, the organisation behind the figures, the Umbrella Accident Research and Statistics Executive, is calling for action.

“These things are causing havoc on our streets,” says UARSE chairman Noah Brolly. “As soon as these umbrella terrorists step outside they’re whipping out their weapons and suddenly we’ve folk ploughing round the city centre carrying giant, metal-spiked parachutes over their heads. Any wonder people are getting hurt.”

The injuries aren’t limited to the streets, says Brolly. “What’s the first thing they do when they get to work? They flap it about then leave it lying on the office floor. A staggering 23 people on our injured list are only staggering because they tripped over the equivalent of a 4-man tent that someone left at their hole.”

24-year-old umbrella user Ava Gazebo denied she was being inconsiderate to other pedestrians. “You know how much this hair cost me? Eighty quid. If you think I’m having that ruined for the sake of the odd minor blinding on the way to work, you’ve another thing coming.”

In a related story, The Umbrella Promotion Council has revealed that no-one here has bought a massive umbrella since 1984, instead relying on promotional giveaways from banks and nicking them from hotels.

“The only ones we sell are the wee crappy ones that fold up,” said a spokesman, “which is good business, to be fair, as the average user has to buy about 12 a week to replace ones they’ve left stuffed in bins on Great Victoria Street.”