The Covid-19 restrictions have done nothing to limit the spread of the Arsehola Virus in Northern Ireland, political experts have revealed.
The warning comes after masked men took to the streets of East Belfast and a gun attack in the north of the city, as well as repeated threats around the fallout from Brexit.
“What we’re seeing here are the classic symptoms of the Arsehola Virus,” explains Professor Katia Selfon, from the University of Oslo.
“The paramilitaries and their representatives have spread bullshit about their roles in the conflict for the last 30 years” she explained
“Where you have the continual re-writing of history, eulogising a sordid tale of murder and intimidation as an heroic myth of liberty or defiance, you end up with a fresh generation eager to emulate the glorious achievements of their elders.”
“So when politicians make ominous threats about the catastrophic consequences of a customs checkpoint at Newry or Larne, they need to remember that there’ll be someone, somewhere with a sufficient dose of Arsehola to try to put their words into action.”
Professor Selfon has urged everyone to wind their necks in at the earliest opportunity.
“Not being able to order vodka from Amazon doesn’t really constitute a reason for return to conflict,” she told us.
We tried to contact those behind the recent upsurge in such activity but they weren’t listed in the phone book.