In the light of the controversial decision to omit prominent Northern Irish sports people like Carl Frampton, Jonathan Rea, Bethany Firth and Jackie Fullerton from the Sports Personality shortlist this year, BBC Executives have confirmed that in future the award will be renamed the All-England Personality of the Year.
“There’s no point in beating about the bush,” says chair of the judging panel, Alan Shearer, “no one really gives a shite about what you lot do. Even Andy Murray is practically English in our eyes, at least until he loses.”
An unbiased judging panel consisting of Shearer, Ant and Dec, George Osborne, Christopher Biggins, The Daily Mail, Barbara Windsor and King Henry VIII chose the following contenders for this year’s prize….
- Nigel Farage: for his performances in Europe
- Katie Hopkins: World Gobshite Champion 2016
- Jeremy Clarkson: Motor (mouth) Racing
- Andy Murray: Overseas Personality of the Year
- Gary Barlow: Tax and Field star
- Danny Dyer: Football legend
- Princess Anne: Horse Jumper, 1970s
- David Beckham: Gold Medal. 200m Underpants Modelling, Beijing 2016
- Eric Bristow: Retired idiot.
- Ivor the Engine: Token Welsh entry
- Brian Blessed: Bronze Medal, Shout Putt, Beijing 2016
- Scott Quigg: Runner-up to Carl Frampton, Boxing, 2016
Mr Shearer dismissed the angry reaction in Northern Ireland telling us, “All yousuns do is fight and race motorbikes, and they hardly count as sports – this award is for proper events, like horse dancing and sitting in yachts.”