“Cheeky” snacks don’t make you fat, say women


There was good news for pre-Christmas dieters this morning after an expert panel of women announced that putting the word “cheeky” before a snack dramatically reduces calories.

Published today in the magazine Belfast Millie, the report claims that turning any normally fattening snack into a “cheeky biscuit” or a “cheeky Mars Bar” ensures that the consumer can eat the snack virtually guilt free. Adding the word “wee” to the statement removes all calories completely.

“This is great news,” said 32 year old hairdresser Chelsea Ricecake. “Last night I ate a whole tub of Cadbury’s Heroes, but I’m pretty sure I said ‘just one last cheeky wee sweetie’ before most of them, so I should get away get away with it.”

Her friend Beyoncé Falafel was also pleased. “I ate my way through a takeaway last night, but I made sure to add the word cheeky when I was ordering my bargain bucket,” she told us. “So I should still be able to squeeze into my dress for the Christmas do. I just wish I’d said it was a ‘wee bargain bucket’ then I’d probably have lost weight instead.”

In a related story, men’s magazine The Ulster Hallion published a separate report which claims that adding the word “quiet” before “pint” means that they shouldn’t get in trouble with the missus for being late home.