Dissidents launch election campaign in North Belfast

Dissident Republicans unveiled their vision for the future of Northern Ireland last night, with the attempted murder of a police officer on the Crumlin Road.

Welcoming the news, prominent North Belfast Dissident Liam Excuse told reporters that the attack demonstrated that his movement offered a positive alternative to the democratic process.

“Our politicians tell us that they’re trying to move things forward,” he explained, “when actually, if this country is going to thrive, we need to go back to the good old days of the 1970s.”

“What people here want are things like jobs and security, and back in the good old days there were loads of jobs in security. Add to that all the extra glaziers and builders required when things are blown up, and it soon becomes clear that this auld peace shite is a massive drain on the economy.”

Mr Excuse went on to outline the rest of his movement’s proposals. These included….

  • The Border: An end to partition, achieved by causing as much division as possible.
  • Health: Increase waiting lists in hospitals by putting more people in them.
  • Education: Training camps for young people established on farms around the country, teaching key skills such as bomb making and target shooting.
  • Transport: Increase use of buses through a concerted bombing campaign on railway lines.
  • Jobs: More opportunities for school leavers through the creation of numerous extra paramilitary groups.
  • The economy: Attract foreign companies by causing so much unemployment that they’ll come here in the hope of finding cheap labour.

Politicians in the main political parties here have of course condemned the news, saying that the Dissidents had nothing to offer society.

They then returned to criticising each other, making veiled threats and finding new ways to go over the same arguments.

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