“We’re more shit than you”, Craigavon tells Strabane

Residents in crap towns and villages across Northern Ireland have reacted angrily to a report that labelled Strabane as being full of “skint, vodka swilling gamblers.”

“How come they get all the credit,” was the bemused reaction of Craigavon native Rhonda Bout when we told her the news. “Craigavon is way more shit than Strabane, and yet they get the headlines? They’re up their own holes, so they are.”

Larne resident Brian Ferry was also furious. “We’ve spent years building our hard earned reputation as a complete dump, then these Johnny Come Latelys land in and take all the plaudits. And what about Carrick? It’s an absolute hellhole, and it doesn’t even get a mention? Themuns get everything.”

Portrush man Barry O’Musement also hit out at the report. “It’s a real slap in the face for our town,” he said. “They’re clearly trying to muscle in on our tourist trade, but people should remember that if they want to swill vodka and gamble, Portrush is the place to do it.”

In Hillsborough, local DUP councillor Drew Abelheat-Incentive was equally scathing. “It ignores the fact that even posh places like ours can be shit. We’re just shit in a different, more refined way, proving that you can polish a turd.”

However the Mayor of Derry and Strabane Council has rejected criticiam of the Tyrone town.

“These people in other towns need to take a long, hard look at themselves,” she told us. “Places like Strabane don’t just become shit overnight, it’s taken decades of chronic underfunding to earn this accolade, so they needn’t think they can just nip in at the last minute and steal our glory.”

No one from Strabane was available for comment as they don’t have any mobile phone signal.

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