DUP announce real life plan to build a tunnel to Scotland


In a surprising move the DUP have decided to adopt a “let’s make up mad shite” approach to policy, by announcing that they propose to build a tunnel under the Irish Sea to Scotland.

“We’ve been reading the Ulster Fry carefully,” said Peter Robinson, “and notice that if they suggest ridiculous ideas they get lots of likes and shares on Facebook, so we thought we’d do the same.”

“We are aware of the fact that the motorway to Londonderry turns into a country road at Toome, and that there are small boys with more extensive rail networks than Northern Ireland. However we’ve decided to ignore these pressing issues and go straight for a massive tunnel to Scotland.”

“It won’t cost too much, honest,” he continued, “I have all the figures written on this beer mat if anyone wants to look.”

Despite Mr Robinson’s complicated beer mat sum, tunnelling experts have cast doubt on the plan. “Basically they want to construct a tunnel through solid rock 200m under the sea, which would run for 40 odd miles,” explained Winston Pothole, a lecturer in engineering at Strabane University.

“They’d also have to take into account the immense quantity of explosives dumped there after World War Two, so it would be an interesting, and hugely expensive, piece of work.”

Other parties have weighed into the discussions, with Jim Allister demanding the construction an additional tunnel to allow Rangers and Celtic fans to travel to travel to Glasgow separately. Meanwhile Sinn Fein have demanded a third, with all signage in Irish.