Everyone famous ‘Now a paedo’ says Home Office


In the light of the fresh allegations against former Prime Minster Ted Heath, the British Home Office has just confirmed that as of 5pm today every celebrity in the entire world will be listed on the UK Sex Offenders Register. They hope the move will help save costs and reduce administration overheads for everyone in future.

The change means that the Register will now switch to a new revolutionary ‘Opt-Out’ system, whereby it assumed everyone famous is a peado until they come forward to say otherwise.

It affects everyone who has ever had a career in television, radio or media, and is intended to save the general public time in deciding which famous people, that they’ve only just met, they should leave alone with their kids.

The move was met with horror at the all the major television networks, leaving children’s TV presenters across the board with the difficult task of trying to explain hours of footage of them clearly standing in the same room as kids – sometimes wearing little more than a jumper and a pair of jeans.

However not everyone felt the same. A group of former Big Brother contestants, the cast of Geordie Shore and every woman who has ever appeared on dating show ‘Take Me Out’, today picketed the home office, demanding the right to be considered Peados too.

Many journalists across the UK are distraught at the news too, especially tabloid showbiz columnists. It is feared that their entire catalogue of ‘Wicked Whispers’ clues for the next 12 months can now be answered by randomly selecting anyone you’ve ever seen on TV.

Home Secretary Theresa May was unavailable for comment as she was at Scotland Yard removing her name from the list before picking up her kids from school.