Excitement builds ahead of 2019 Belfast Bank-Holiday Marathon Sesh

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As always, the first weekend in May will see Belfast grind to halt as the city plays host to the annual Buckfast Marathon.

The much-famed piss up will be held over a three-day period and is regarded by many competitive drinkers as the pinnacle of their sport. “Dis ting is bigger dan Wimbledon, de World-Cup and Bake-aff combined”, slurred Oisin Boltit, the event organiser.

The popular health drink ‘Buckfast’ will, once again, be lead sponsor and have sent an envoy of Benedictine Monks to man the aid stations along the course. They will be offering I.V. drips and forgiveness in the eyes of God to all elite drinkers.

“This event is the highlight of the Monk’s calendars, and a real opportunity for us to add to our order as the ‘beer-fear’ sets in on Tuesday morning,”  chanted chief monk, Hugh Gontyboke.

Due to the intensity of the three day binge, guidelines have been released to give drinkers the best possible chance of finishing:

  1. Participants are strongly advised to dress as inappropriately as possible; towering stiletto heels have proved very popular in past years.
  2. Drinkers should also ensure that their mobile phones remain fully charged throughout; in case they wish to call, WhatsApp or text an ex-partner to tell them “I still luv u, so I do”.

Residents of the city have been warned to expect a steep spike in the number of incoherent crying adults, bad singing and pavement vomit. It should also be noted that the event is not deemed suitable for children, small pets or anyone who can’t be arsed queuing at the bar behind hundreds of drunk folk ordering really complicated cocktails.

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