Family fun days “ruined by children”, reveal scientists


Scientists at the University of East Strabane have published new research which claims that the words family and fun should never be used in the same sentence.

“We’ve been studying the ‘Family day out’ for several years now,” says Professor Brooke Shelf, “and our research has discovered that they usually involve weeks of careful planning, a long drive and a lot of expense. Then they’re ruined by a small child vomiting over himself within five minutes of arrival.”

Our reporters spoke to parents at some of Northern Ireland’s most popular tourist centres, and found that most were in full agreement.

“100% sir,”  said Tyrone man Billy Gawley, who had transported his wife and 4 children to Portrush for the day. “We were looking forward to this wee trip, but the whole way up they moaned about wanting ice-cream.”

“As soon as we got it the wee one, whatever he’s called, decided he didn’t like ice-cream and stuck it in his sister’s hair, then they all seemed to shit themselves at once and we’ve spent most of the afternoon trying to get the smell out of the car.”

We found off-duty policeman Oscar Foxtrot huddled behind an inflatable chair in W5. “Have they stopped screaming yet?” he asked us. “This place is worse than the Ardoyne shops on the Twelfth. I’ll be putting in for overtime every Bank Holiday from now on, or else look for a transfer to somewhere quiet, like Afghanistan.”

A spokesman for the National Union of Children told us that they all wanted to stay at home watching TV anyway, then asked for a fiver for the amusements before boking over our shoes.