Firms ‘queuing up’ to offer jobs to cash-strapped MLAs


With prominent MLAs like Edwin Poots and Steven Agnew using the local media to tout themselves for work, local businesses are said to be ‘falling over themselves’ to employ our under-worked, but highly qualified, political representatives.

Here’s our top 8 job suggestions for the poor souls….

1: Love Island contestants.
7 weeks work on a tropical island for a possible 50000 quid and a bit of romance at the end of it? OK it’s more strenuous than their current jobs, but there’s a chance to be elevated to D-list celebrity status in England and some positive press which they all really, really need.

2: Pests.
NI pest control firms are crying out for irritating creatures to use in live testing. All of our MLAs have plenty of experience in that area.

3: Hostage Negotiation.
With their skills in dragging talks out for days, weeks and months on end, our MLAs should be well set for a career in this field. If all else fails, they could be swapped for the hostages and we’d kill two birds with one stone.

4: Football managers.
Standing on the sidelines, waving their arms about and shouting? Sure the jobs made for them. They’d also get to blame everyone else when things go wrong, which is a bonus.

5: Nolan Show callers.
Just because they’re not MLAs anymore doesn’t mean they can’t still pollute our ears. “Let’s chat to Michelle in Coalisland and Arlene from Fermanagh, who both think them bastards need to be more respectful.”

6: Fatbergs.
NI Water is always on the look for massive lumps of congealed fat, mixed with discarded wet wipes and several tonnes of shite. Our MLAs should fit right in.

7: Boiler Engineers.
Who better to service your boiler? It’ll not only save you money, it’ll make you a clean fortune!

8: Call Centre Operatives.
Our politicians are well used to sitting on their holes all day, moaning. At a Contemptrix Call Centre they can still sit on their holes, but they’ll have to get used to hearing other folk complaining.