Foster vows to repay £400m with new Renewable Eating Scheme

As the Renewable Heat Initiative (RHI) scandal grows, revealing that the beneficiaries include a former DUP adviser, a Free Presbyterian Church and a Ferrari showroom – NI’s First Minister has unveiled an even more ambitious follow-up which she hopes will restore our faith in politicians.

The new ‘Renewable Eating Scheme’ aims to incentivise ordinary taxpayers for eating stuff they or someone else has already eaten or digested.

“You’ve been taking our sh*t for years,” announced Foster today, “so we’re putting the power of democracy back in the hands of the people. Now, for the first time in history, you can be spoon-fed any auld sh*te and then simply claim it back on your expenses!”

“We’ve been trialling this approach for years up on the hill, and I can assure you it 100% works,” she added.

However the scheme has been labelled as “absolutely disgusting” by everyone in Northern Ireland.

“It’s vile,” said political analyst, Stan Millis. “The thought of a Renewables plan like this being approved by the Executive makes me sick to my stomach, and this new sh*t eating one is pretty bad as well.”

“Mind you, with NAMA, SIF and now RHI over the past few months, we’ve been served a veritable Alphabetti Spaghetti of crap, so this shouldn’t come as a shock.”

Conveniently the RHI scandal broke with Mrs Foster on a trade visit to China, and the Assembly in the middle of yet another of its recess periods. Despite this, the First Minister has resisted demands to recall Stormont to debate the issue.

“No surprise there,” says Millis, “It’s like that auld joke about voters being like mushrooms – kept in the dark and fed sh*te.”

“If this was any other country we’d have had a boke of no confidence months ago.”

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